News

Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job

JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.

M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Consumers Vow To Remain Oblivious To Music Copying Laws

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

French Voters Embrace 'Le Pump Totale'

THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.

Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories

THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.

Why Are My Eyes Leaking? Asks Hillary

DEMOCRATIC presidential candidate Hillary Clinton walked out of a campaign event in New Hampshire after small amounts of salty water began leaking from her eyes.

Army Says War Great For Easing Troublesome Aches And Pains

WAR is perfect for soothing away the niggling aches and strains of modern life, the British Army said last night. 

Traditional Light Bulbs Are A Superfood, Says PR Company

TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night. 

Airlines Lift In-Flight Sex Jelly Ban

AIRLINES are to lift the ban on KY and other proprietary sex lubricants, under new security regulations introduced today.

Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates

IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.

Clinton Slump Shows U.S. Still Not Ready To Vote For A Harpie

AMERICANS may still not be ready to vote for an annoying, screechy harridan after Hillary Clinton's poor showing in the Iowa caucus.