THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.
AS millions of Britons begin their New Year detox, a record number of health conscious consumers are signing up for a month-long regime of drinking their own urine.
THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.
MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.
THE United Nations last night passed an emergency resolution calling on the people of Pakistan to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with them.
THIS year's Christmas message from the Queen has failed to impress the critics with most dismissing it as self-indulgent and boastful.
MILLIONS of people got up in the middle of the night to buy vast amounts of shit they did not need yesterday, after stores told them it was now a bit cheaper.
THE innermost personal secrets of everyone in Britain are to be written down and then thrown into a big skip, the government said last night.
ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.
A BLANKET ban on cocks has been proposed as part of the government's crackdown on fucking.
BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.