News

Castro To Spend More Time Persecuting Gays

CUBA’S ailing leader Fidel Castro is to retire from dictating so he can spend more time playing golf and persecuting gays, his aides confirmed last night.

BBC Unveils Line-Up For Billiepipermas

THE BBC has unveiled the spectacular line-up for what promises to be the best Billiepipermas ever.

Saudi king to pardon female hit and run victims

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community last night after pledging to release more than 20% of his country's female hit and run victims.

De Burgh Concert Sparks Iranian Refugee Crisis

TEHRAN (Agence Mash-Presse): THE narrow, dusty road from Tehran to the Turkish border is normally quiet at this time of year.

Google Aims To Capture Market For Inaccurate Crap

GOOGLE is to create its own internet encyclopaedia in a bid to corner the growing market for online bollocks.

Ulrika Jonsson To Learn Italian

FORMER TV weather girl Ulrika Jonsson is to begin a crash-course in conversational Italian, she announced last night.

Philip Letters Warned Diana About The Chinese

PRINCE Philip sent a series of crude death threats to Princess Diana which often included thinly veiled attacks on the Chinese, an inquest heard yesterday.

World Smells Better Than At Any Time Since 1850

THIS year has been the best smelling since global smell records began, the United Nations confirmed last night. 

Working Mums Prefer White Wine To Childcare, Says Study

MOTHERS who work are happier than those who stay at home because they can have liquid lunches and don't have to spend time with their kids, according to a new report.

Police Threaten To Stop Shooting Brazilians In The Face

POLICE are threatening an immediate halt to all Brazilian face-shootings as part of their ongoing pay row with the government.

Childhood Should Begin At Birth, Says Minister

THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.