Tranquilisers Replace Television As World’s Favourite Childminder

CRUSHING anti-psychotic drugs into some yogurt has replaced television as the world's most popular method of child care, new research shows. 

Heston Demands Right To Shoot Angels

DEAD acting legend Charlton Heston has launched a campaign for the right to shoot angels with a variety of high powered assault weapons.

Naomi Campbell To Wrestle A Bear

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell has agreed to take part in a televised brawl with a bear.

Teleportation device not quite there yet, says disembodied head

STAR Trek-style teleportation is months away from becoming a scientific reality, the disembodied head of its inventor insisted last night.

Young Comics 'Too Scared' To Work With Andrew Lloyd Webber, Says Ben Elton

YOUNG alternative comedians are too scared to write third-rate musicals with Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton said last night.

Ireland Begins Search For New Chief Leprechaun

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

Most Households Now Switching Energy Supplier Every 20 Minutes

MORE than 50% of British households are switching energy supplier three times an hour, according to an industry survey.

Mugabe Demands 5000 Gazillion Dollar Pension

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

Hybrid Embryo Escapes From North East Lab

BRITAIN'S first hybrid embryo was on the run last night after escaping from its laboratory cage.

Experts close to discovering secret pointlessness of Stonehenge

SCIENTISTS have started a fresh excavation at Stonehenge in the hope of confirming, once and for all, the ancient monument's complete and utter pointlessness.

Spacey To Host 'I Am Keyser Soze' On BBC1

ACTOR Kevin Spacey is to celebrate one of his most famous roles by hosting BBC1's latest amateur talent show, I am Keyser Soze.

Exotic Japanese Girlfriend Wants Vauxhall Zafira

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows.