ALEX Salmond is to cancel plans for an Edinburgh tram system and use the money to build a 400 mile bridge from Scotland to Amsterdam.
THE latest series of Big Brother kicked off last night with the unveiling of a house made up exclusively of idiots and half-wits.
GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”.
GOOGLE is to launch its own brand of sausages after it emerged that the most frequently asked question by internet users is "what sausage shall I eat today?"
IRAN has abandoned theocracy and signed a four year deal with Disney after two hours of talks with the US Government yesterday.
EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.
ROLLING Stone Keith Richards last night said he was "amazed and delighted" to discover he was in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie after attending its star-studded premiere in Hollywood.
SCOTLAND is a nation of demented, blood-thirsty warmongers, straining to mount a full-scale assault on Holland, according to a Daily Mash readers' poll.
VIRGIN is to raise the height of the seatback tray tables on its transatlantic flights by a number of inches after it emerged that love drug Viagra could now be used as a cure for jetlag.
THIS year's Big Brother house is to include quirky new features including a toilet in the middle of the livingroom floor and a room full of tigers.
THE Dutch last night claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Scottish-built Cutty Sark and warned that no Scots ships were safe during the war with Holland.
MARS, the confectionery giant, is to launch a brand of chocolate covered treats called 'Beeftesers' to cash in on the new and growing market for meat flavoured sweets.