News

Britain Urged To Use A F*cking Hanky

AS cold and flu season takes hold across the nation millions of sufferers have been told to use a hanky or just fuck right off.

Jamie Oliver Chicken Recipe Wins 'Bad Sex' Award

JAMIE Oliver's recipe for free-range chicken roasted with garlic and chestnuts has won this year's 'bad sex' book award.

Mitsubishi In Global Arse Recall

MILLIONS of arses manufactured by the industrial giant Mitsubishi are being recalled after a series of catastrophic bottom failures, it emerged last night.

Tate Crack Filled With Junkie Borrowers

THE huge crack in the middle of the Tate Gallery has become a seedy hangout for tiny, drug-abusing Borrowers, the Daily Mash has learned.

Muslim Teddy Bear Has Paws Chopped Off

SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.

BNP Abandons Racism After Oxford Debate

THE far-right British National Party is to abandon racism after listening carefully to the opposing arguments during last night’s Oxford Union debate. 

We're Inside Your iPod, Confirms MI5

BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night. 

Panto Stars Demand Right To Swear

BRITAIN'S favourite pantomime stars are demanding the right to litter their performances with profanity and smut.

Churches Condemn Plan For Giant Lesbians

BRITAIN'S most senior clergymen last night condemned plans to use IVF technology to create gigantic lesbians in test tubes.

Brown Orders Nation To Bottle Farts

GORDON Brown has escalated the war on climate change after branding the plastic bag, 'the carrier of choice' for Al Qaeda and paedophiles.

Queen And Prince Philip Celebrate 60 Years Of Racial Epithets

THE Queen has paid tribute to her husband as one of Britain's most accomplished post-war racists.

Brazilians To Be Shaved By Government

THE Government is to introduce new regulations governing the size of the Brazilian wax amid mounting fears that the nation’s pubic hair is spiralling out of control.