AS cold and flu season takes hold across the nation millions of sufferers have been told to use a hanky or just fuck right off.
JAMIE Oliver's recipe for free-range chicken roasted with garlic and chestnuts has won this year's 'bad sex' book award.
MILLIONS of arses manufactured by the industrial giant Mitsubishi are being recalled after a series of catastrophic bottom failures, it emerged last night.
THE huge crack in the middle of the Tate Gallery has become a seedy hangout for tiny, drug-abusing Borrowers, the Daily Mash has learned.
SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.
THE far-right British National Party is to abandon racism after listening carefully to the opposing arguments during last night’s Oxford Union debate.
BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night.
BRITAIN'S favourite pantomime stars are demanding the right to litter their performances with profanity and smut.
BRITAIN'S most senior clergymen last night condemned plans to use IVF technology to create gigantic lesbians in test tubes.
GORDON Brown has escalated the war on climate change after branding the plastic bag, 'the carrier of choice' for Al Qaeda and paedophiles.
THE Queen has paid tribute to her husband as one of Britain's most accomplished post-war racists.
THE Government is to introduce new regulations governing the size of the Brazilian wax amid mounting fears that the nation’s pubic hair is spiralling out of control.