News

He Promised To Oil My Chain, Claims Abused Bike

THE bicycle at the centre of Britain's worst case of inanimate object abuse has told how she was offered treats including expensive chain-oil, a new bell and a dynamo.

Bikini-Clad Lovelies To Protect Airports

SQUADS of bikini-clad women are to be positioned outside airports in a bid to deter fanatical Islamic terrorists.

Teachers Call For Smaller Pupils

TEACHING unions have called for all school children to be no more than 18 inches high in a bid to drive up standards.

Airlines Misled Public By Claiming Flights Would Not Be Filled With Bastards

AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.

Alcohol Is A Corrupting Influence On The Poor, Insists Ladies Temperance League

THE drinking of alcoholic liquer prevents the poor from carrying out their duties and if left unchecked will hasten the demise of the Empire, the Ladies Temperance League has warned.

Life Under Mugabe Better Than Life Under Harry, Says Chelsy

FORMER Royal girlfriend Chelsy Davy is to return to Zimbabwe rather than spend another minute underneath Prince Harry, friends said last night.

Met Chief Refuses To Resign After Setting Fire To A Tramp

METROPOLITAN  Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has refused to resign despite setting fire to a tramp in central London.

'We Haven't Got A F*cking Clue' Admit Scientists

SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night. 

China Sets New Light Speed Record

CHINA has asserted its growing technological dominance by setting a new record for the speed of light.

Africans Disappointed To Discover $100 Laptops Are Not Full Of Food

COMMUNITIES across Africa have revealed their disappointment that the new $100 laptops contain no nutritional value.

Most Willing To Lie About Green Lifestyle Changes

MOST people are ready to tell enormous lies about the personal sacrifices they will make to halt climate change, the latest Daily Mash poll reveals.

'Replace My Photo With Bag Of Prawn Cocktail Crisps' Demands Prince

PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.