I'm keeping my children off school because they're better than your children

ACROSS England, children are returning to school today. But not my children. Because they are better and more special than your children.

London a really f**king crowded ghost town

THE city of London is a horrendously overcrowded ghost town, residents have confirmed.

The BBC programmes Brexiters want to see

NEW BBC director general Tim Davie has promised to reflect the views of all audiences, including Brexiters. Leave voter Donna Sheridan runs down her dream line-up.

Big Asda named top holiday destination of 2021

BIG Asdas have topped this year’s list of top holiday destinations because of their spacious car parks, friendly locals, and huge range of things that shut kids up.

The schoolkids' guide to using coronavirus to take the absolute piss

SICK of school already? Fancy a skive? The coronavirus guidelines are your best friend. Here’s how to turn a pandemic to your advantage.

Benito Mussolini to appear on Live at the Apollo

ITALIAN dictator Benito Mussolini is to perform on the BBC comedy show Live at the Apollo in an effort to redress left-wing bias.

Six months whinging about homeschool and you taught them f**k all

IT’S all we’ve heard since March. Homeschool, how hard homeschool is, balancing work and homeschool, etcetera. So how surprised I was to find your kids have learned absolutely f**k all.

The pensioner's guide to why Britain is just terrible nowadays

FROM teenage policemen to reality TV, Britain is a terrible country to live in these days. 76-year-old Roy Hobbs lists a few of the problems.

Children warned when mummy picks them up from school she will be pissed

THE nation’s mothers have told their children that mummy might need a little bit of help with walking straight when she comes to get them from school.

Cyclists acting like they own the bike lane

CYCLISTS riding in the bike lane are acting as if it is a special space they are entitled to, it has emerged.

How to bullshit your way through a day at work

WORRIED your colleagues are one Zoom call away from finding out you’re shockingly inept and should be fired? Blag your way through the day with these tips.

That was your f**king summer

The UK has collectively realised that it is August bank holiday and that miserable three months just past was its f**king summer.