Drivers right up your arse have mummy issues

PEOPLE who intimidate other drivers by getting right up their arse were never hugged by their mums, it has been confirmed.

Teenagers headed to music festival have no idea what awaits them

A GROUP of excitable teenagers going to a music festival are blissfully unaware of the miserable, demoralising squalor ahead.

Mechanic wasn't going to rip man off until he opened his mouth

A MECHANIC was genuinely going to charge a fair price to fix a car until its owner provoked him by saying something.

House plant wishing it wasn't in room where everyone sh*ts

A SPIDER plant is fed up of spending its life in a damp room where people go to the bog.

Blonde men asked not to grow beards

BLONDE men have been officially advised not to experiment with facial hair for the safety and happiness of those who must look at them.

Johnson 'proof that we are all just sentient jizz' say experts

TORY leadership candiate Boris Johnson is a powerful reminder that when it comes down to it humans are just overgrown sperm, scientists have confirmed.

'Deep divisions in society' mostly just whinging twats

THE ‘deep divisions in society’ caused by Brexit are actually just various twats moaning on about stuff, experts now believe.

Maniac puts film on at 9.30pm

A CRAZED lunatic has outraged sensibilities by beginning to watch a feature film at 9.30pm on a weekday night.

Would 21st century Britain actually beat the Nazis?

BACK in 1945 Britain beat Nazi Germany, with only nominal help from the USA and Russia. And today, there are more Britons who believe they would single-handedly defeat the Nazis then ever before. But would we?

Grandparents don't know what attraction they've brought the kids to today and don't f**king care

GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren over half-term have no idea what attraction they are visiting today and could not care less, they have confirmed.

Eleven-year-olds call summit to choose the best swear words

A COUNCIL representing Britain’s 11-year-olds has convened to ratify which swear words they will be using over the next 12 months.

Brexiters definitely not worried about losing second referendum

BREXITERS’ passionate opposition to a second referendum is definitely not because of fear they would lose, they have confirmed.