The alternative medicine practitioner's guide to coronavirus

DO you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine? Here alternative health therapist Donna Sheridan gives her advice.

Woman pre-annoyed about argument she'll have with her boyfriend later

A WOMAN is already furious about an argument she has not yet had with her boyfriend, she has confirmed.

'Alan' confirmed as next uber-cool hipster name

SEVENTIES names like Alan and Jackie are going to be the new names for the children of cool urban professionals, they have confirmed.

The Arsenal midfielder's guide to self-isolation

HEY. I’m an Arsenal midfielder who must remain anonymous currently self-isolating due to the risk of having contracted coronavirus. Here’s how I’m getting through it.

Man would have panic-bought but there's loads of stuff left

A MAN has abandoned a panic-buying supermarket run after arriving and seeing that the shelves were still perfectly well-stocked.

Guardian readers' children fear outbreak of homeschooling

SCHOOL closures due to the coronavirus could lead to extremely condescending lessons at home, the children of middle-class liberals fear.

Six ways to justify getting drunk even though it's Tuesday

IT'S a rainy Tuesday in the second week of March and Britain is lurching into crisis. But if you need other reasons to hit the drink tonight, try these.

Couple staying unhappily married to avoid dating apps

A COUPLE has decided to stay married despite not really liking one another because online dating looks horrendous.

A guide to homeworking by a clearly insane homeworker

THE whole of Britain could be homeworking soon, apart from people with proper jobs. Susan Traherne, a homeworker driven mad by solitude, explains how.

Support group set up for people who can't decide what they feel like for lunch

A SUPPORT group has been set up for anyone struggling with the painful issue of not being quite sure what they fancy for lunch.

Cultured friend knows how to harass women in French

A MAN is such a continental sophisticate that he can catcall passing women in fluent French, his impressed mates have confirmed.

Naturally unsociable shut-in Italians taking easily to quarantine

ITALY, a country of uncommunicative recluses who shun physical contact, is adapting easily to nationwide lockdown according to citizens.