News

How to tell if you're the seventh-most-liked friend

NO calls to hang out this week? Don’t panic, your friends don’t hate you, you might be just outside everyone’s rule of six by being seventh on the list.

That's Covid over forever then, says f**kwit

A F**KWIT believes that the first hesitant steps of easing Covid restrictions today means the virus is gone for good.

Five films morons think are clever

THINK a film being slightly difficult to follow makes it a work of genius and you a genius for watching it?

Boris naked outside Westminster on rope after being caught shagging Gove's wife a 'non-story', says BBC

THE BBC will not report on Boris Johnson absailing down Westminster Palace naked after being caught in flagrante with Sarah Vine because it is a ‘non-story’.

Woman asked for ID once tells story ten times

A 39-YEAR-OLD woman asked for ID when buying alcohol will not stop banging on about it, sources have reported.

GCSE Maths questions for our modern f**ked-up world

MATHS GCSE questions are being updated to make them more relevant to our modern world of electric scooters and videogame streaming. Can you answer them?

Planking and four other exercises you'll give up in a week

WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week.

Five gestures of affection that really mean your cat hates you

ARE you the type of sap who believes your cat brings in dead birds as a 'gift'? Find out what other signs of love actually mean it thinks you're a wanker.

Richard Curtis to make unbearably smug middle-class Covid film

RICHARD Curtis has announced he is making Covid Actually, a film where posh, entitled people bumble their way charmingly through the pandemic.

Couple don't realise they are having two entirely separate conversations

A married couple are having two entirely separate conversations without realising it.

Mum asks if you're on pot

YOUR mum has asked if you are 'high on pot' and expects a serious answer, it has emerged.

'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen.