THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.
KING Tutankhamun died after being spanked very hard in the face with a heavy frying pan, a leading Egyptologist has claimed.
PRIME minister Gordon Brown has sent a special 25th anniversary message to Carol Vorderman's increasingly enormous breasts.
METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.
THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.
SHOPPERS in the village of Minchinhamptonsteadbury have been forced to throw their goods home after a total ban on bags.
GEORDIE simians Anthony and Declan were the chief recipients at last night's Common People's Television Awards.
HEALTH experts have been issued with a 'final warning' after advising consumers to give up bacon.
SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.
THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.
KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.
THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.