News

Idiots To Waste Two More Years At School

THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.

Tutankhamun 'killed by frying pan', say experts

KING Tutankhamun died after being spanked very hard in the face with a heavy frying pan, a leading Egyptologist has claimed.

Brown Congratulates Vorderman's Gigantic Chest

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has sent a special 25th anniversary message to Carol Vorderman's increasingly enormous breasts.

Police To Wear Hairnets While Shooting Suspects In The Face

METROPOLITAN police officers are to face tough new health and safety regulations for shooting people in the face, including hairnets and sterilised ear muffs.

Daily Express Issues Death Threat To Heather Mills

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

Bag Ban Forces Residents To Throw Their Shopping Home

SHOPPERS in the village of Minchinhamptonsteadbury have been forced to throw their goods home after a total ban on bags.

Ant And Dec Sweep Board At Common People's TV Awards

GEORDIE simians Anthony and Declan were the chief recipients at last night's Common People's Television Awards.

Leave bacon out of this, health experts warned

HEALTH experts have been issued with a 'final warning' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

How Much For Your Woman, Abdullah Asks Philip

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.

Dollar Now Nancy Boy Of International Currencies

THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.

It's the beheadings I miss the most, says homesick Saudi King

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.

Oil Price Rise Caused By Pixies

THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.