Diana Inquest: Jury Inspects Toilet Where Princess Had Final Movement

THE Diana inquest jury was last night taken to the bathroom of the Ritz Hotel in Paris to see where the Princess enjoyed her final bowel movement.

Diana Inquest: Jury To Spend Week In Leopard Print Swimsuit

THE jury hearing the inquest into the murder of Princess Diana by MI6 is to spend the rest of the week diving off a yacht on the Cote d’Azur while wearing a leopard print swimsuit.

Remove Dog Collar Before Rubbing Choirboys, Church Tells Vicars

VICARS should remove their dog collars before attempting to rub themselves against choirboys, according to new guidelines.

Organ Swapping Parties Sweep Suburbia

SUBURBAN Britain is being swept by a kinky new craze for organ swapping, the Daily Mash can reveal. 

Ritz Hotel Was Hoovered The Night Diana Died

THE Ritz Hotel in Paris was being hoovered less than an hour before Princess Diana died, according to dramatic video footage.

Drinking Boiled Twigs Will Not Cure Cancer, Say Docs

BOILING up a bag of foul smelling old twigs sold to you by a man who has no medical knowledge will not cure you of cancer, a shock new report claims today. 

Brain Cleaning 'Next Big Thing' For Busy Profesionals

BUSY professionals can now get their brains cleaned at their desks under a new mind-valet service launched yesterday by Rentokil.

Kids Demand TV Shows They Can Bore The Shit Out Of Each Other With In 30 Years Time

BRITISH children have stepped up their demands for television programmes they will be able to bore each other with at dinner parties.

Britain To Become Perv Nation By 2012

BRITAIN will become a nation of pervs within five years, making it the second kinkiest country in Europe after France, according to new research by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. 

Chocolate 'Stops Lazy People From Lying'

A LARGE bar of milk chocolate stops lazy people from telling lies about how exhasuted they are, new research suggests. 

Vatican To Build Huge Telescope In Hunt For Jesus

THE Pope has commissioned a $1bn super-telescope as the Vatican steps up its hunt for Jesus.