Hay Wain Arrested In Naked Horse Furore

CONSTABLE'S masterpiece The Hay Wain has been arrested in central London amid claims of nude horse exploitation.

Giving Birth 'A Doddle' Says Government

CHILDBIRTH is to be made longer and more painful amid fresh claims it has been 'dumbed-down' to meet Government targets.

Medieval History Books To Include Morgan Freeman

THE early history of Britain is 'horribly white' and should be rewritten to include the black and Asian people who weren't there, the country’s equality chief said last night. 

I Tried To Stop Iraq War But Blair Overpowered Me, Claims Miliband

FOREIGN secretary David Miliband has revealed how he jumped on top of Tony Blair in a desperate bid to stop the invasion of Iraq.

Personal Superbugs For All, Pledges Johnson

EVERY NHS patient will be allocated a hospital acquired infection with their name on it, under government plans for a personal health service. 

Returning Soldiers To Get A Free Turnip

BRITISH troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan are to receive a free turnip, the government has announced.

Gayness Causes Chafing, Says Archbishop

HOMOSEXUALITY is not a disease but it can be a terrible cause of chafing, the Archbishop of Canterbury announced last night.

Balls Calls For Return To Old-Fashioned Bullying

THE Government is demanding a return to traditional methods of bullying after an upsurge in the use of mobile phones to exchange threats and insults.

People Not Utter Morons, Suggests Report

ALMOST all Britons are not witless baboons incapable of managing their own affairs, a new report claims today.

Kid Nation Declares War On Disneyland

KID Nation, the US reality TV show, has formed an army and declared war on Disneyland.

John Lydon A Fat, Greedy Old C*nt, Says Johnny Rotten

FORMER Sex Pistols frontman Johnny Rotten has launched a scathing attack on Discovery Channel presenter John Lydon describing, him as "a washed-out, cynical old bastard who was only ever interested in the money".