News

Opal Fruits Count Towards Five-A-Day, Confirm Experts

DIETARY experts have moved to end confusion over healthy eating by confirming that a packet of Opal Fruits does count towards the five-a-day target.

Northern Rock Hands Out Staff To Customers

NORTHERN Rock customers were queuing around the block today after the stricken bank said they could take home a receptionist if they left their money in their accounts.

Christians Prepare For Rapture As House Prices Dip

TUMBLING house prices and the bail out of the Northern Rock will lead to the resurrection of the dead, Armageddon and the beginning of the End Times, leading Christians confirmed today.

Livingtv Fans 'Already Dead' Say Docs

THE definition of the moment of death is to be redrawn to include anyone watching the cable television channel LivingTV, doctors announced last night. 

People who know how to f**king park on brink of extinction

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.

Fat People Squashing NHS Equipment

THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns. 

Facebook Distracting Workers From Underpaid, Soul-Destroying Tedium, Says CBI

SOCIAL networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace are distracting office workers from the hellish, brain-curdling reality that is their shabby, predictable and ultimately meaningless lives, according to a new report from the Confederation of British Industry.

BBC2 Unveils Plans For 'Nigella Lawson Eats A Banana'

TV food fans were celebrating last night after the BBC confirmed plans for a new series of Nigella Lawson Eats a Banana.

High School Musical Stars To Have Nipples Removed

THE teenage stars of the High School Musical phenomenon are to have their nipples removed with lasers, Disney announced last night.

Cameron Shoots Toaster

TORY leader David Cameron last night sought to bolster his green credentials by taking his toaster into the street and shooting it at point blank range.

Pregnant Women To Receive Gigantic Carrot

EVERY pregnant woman in Britain is to be given a 16 foot-long carrot, the government has announced.