News

Google Phone Will Put Porn In Your Pocket

GOOGLE has confirmed plans to launch its own-brand mobile phone saying the new portable online device will, for the first time, put "porn in the palm of everyone’s hand". 

RMT Using Tube Tunnels To Rehearse 'The Mikado'

LONDON tube drivers are using strike action as a cover so they can stage last-minute rehearsals of their new production of The Mikado.

Drinks Companies To Throw Lager Into School Playgrounds

DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.

All Parents Killing Their Children Say Government

EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.

Pit Bulls Smuggled Into UK Dressed As Ugly Babies

ILLEGAL American pit bull terriers are being smuggled into Britain disguised as incredibly ugly children, according to customs officials.

A Prayer For Diana, Princess Of Wales

by Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury

Diana: B&Q Opens Book Of Indifference

BOOKS of Indifference were opened at B&Q branches across the country today for men who could not a give a monkeys about the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

BAA To Reduce Check-In Times By Firing Everyone

BAA has unveiled a radical plan to improve the efficiency of Britain's major airports by firing all of its staff.

Brain Surgery Exams 'Too Hard' Says Government

Brain surgery exams are to be made much easier because not enough people are applying to become brain surgeons, the Government has announced.

Superman Suit Will Enable Wearer To See Women's Undies

SCIENTISTS could one day develop a 'Superman' suit that will give the wearer x-ray vision, allowing him to look at women's underwear through their clothes.

Jam, The Fuel Of Tomorrow, Say Lib Dems

THE Liberal Democrats have unveiled radical plans to reduce Britain's carbon emissions, including a new generation of cars that unleash the remarkable power of jam.

Amy Winehouse A Honking Skank, Says Gran

AMY Winehouse fans should stop buying her records because she is a croaky voiced skank who sounds like a goose being forced arse first into a trombone, her grandmother said last night.