Woolworths Filled To The Rafters With Crap After All

BRITAIN'S sentimental attachment to Woolworths evaporated rapidly yesterday as millions of bargain hunters discovered it really is a brightly lit warehouse filled with cack.

Government Does Not Understand Us, Say Long-Term Unemployed

LONG-term unemployed people attacked the government last night, saying it obviously has no idea what makes them tick.

You Are No Better Than A Frenchman, Markets Tell Britain

THE people of Britain may as well sit round all day leering at women and eating pigs' testicles, the international currency markets said last night.

Brown Sectioned

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night under observation in a London psychiatric hospital after claiming to be Spiderman.

Film to show man going to the toilet

THE exact moment a man goes to the toilet is to be shown on television.

Blur To Remind Everyone Why They Split Up

BLUR are to remind everyone why they split up at a one-off gig in London next summer.

Microsoft To Launch Range Of Clothing That Doesn't Work

MICROSOFT is to launch a range a range of branded t-shirts that need to be constantly updated, it was announced last night.

Cheryl Cole To Watch Children Cry

GIRLS Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is to star in a new ITV prime-time show where she stares at children while they burst into tears.

Hippies Annoying

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

School Subjects To Be Dicked About With

BRITAIN'S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn't dicked about with it for at least a year.

Other Authors Tell Rowling To Piss Off

JK Rowling was last night told to 'just piss off' by a group of fellow writers hoping to sell some books this Christmas.

Karen Matthews: Where She Went Wrong

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.