BRITAIN'S sentimental attachment to Woolworths evaporated rapidly yesterday as millions of bargain hunters discovered it really is a brightly lit warehouse filled with cack.
LONG-term unemployed people attacked the government last night, saying it obviously has no idea what makes them tick.
THE people of Britain may as well sit round all day leering at women and eating pigs' testicles, the international currency markets said last night.
PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night under observation in a London psychiatric hospital after claiming to be Spiderman.
THE exact moment a man goes to the toilet is to be shown on television.
BLUR are to remind everyone why they split up at a one-off gig in London next summer.
MICROSOFT is to launch a range a range of branded t-shirts that need to be constantly updated, it was announced last night.
GIRLS Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is to star in a new ITV prime-time show where she stares at children while they burst into tears.
HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.
BRITAIN'S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn't dicked about with it for at least a year.
JK Rowling was last night told to 'just piss off' by a group of fellow writers hoping to sell some books this Christmas.
IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.