News

Huge Rise In Skin Caused By Bad Lifestyle Choices


THE incidence of skin in Britain has soared dramatically in recent years and our hedonistic modern lifestyles are largely to blame, doctors insisted last night.

Giant Magnifying Glass Revealed As Cause Of Global Warming

SCIENTISTS have discovered a giant magnifying glass above the Earth which they think is the main cause of the global warming the planet is experiencing today.

Foot And Mouth 'Not As Much Fun As Last Time' Say Townies

CITY dwellers and townsfolk have branded the latest foot and mouth outbreak “boring” and “not as good as last time” as it looked to be fizzling out after just one week. 

'24' Recycles Plots To Cut Carbon Footprint

KIEFER Sutherland's hit show ‘24’ is to be produced using plot twists and dialogue entirely recycled from previous episodes to make it into the world’s first carbon neutral television programme.

Computer Game Fan No Time To Masturbate

TOP World of Warcraft player Jason Stibbles could be forced to give up masturbation altogether after the hugely popular online game unveiled its new expansion called Wrath of the Lich King.

Crocs Link To Smugness And Idiocy

WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.

US Government Loses 200,000 Iraqis In Iraq

THE US Army has mislaid 200,000 Iraqi civilians in the last four years but thinks most of them have probably just gone on holiday for a "bit of a break". 

Langham Classed As 'Townshend Category' Child Porn User

ACTOR Chris Langham is expected to quickly revive his showbusiness career after being classed as a "Townshend Category" child porn user.

Patrick Duffy Challenges Putin Claim To Arctic Seabed

PATRICK Duffy, the Man from Atlantis, is to launch a legal bid on behalf of millions of sea creatures to prevent a Russian takeover of the deep.

Keith Richards To Write Story Of His Life As A Beatle

ROCK legend Keith Richards is to write his memoirs, filled with intimate details of his life as a member of The Beatles.

92% Of English people think all Scottish people know each other

ALL Scottish people are either related or went to school together, according to the vast majority of English people.

One Billionth Dental Product Launched

IT'S been billed as the biggest event in a generation for people with mouths.