News

'Eat Your Rubbish' Say Councils

SCOTTISH councils are planning to shift from weekly refuse collections to never because householders keep on filling their bins with dirty rubbish.

Record Companies Call For Ban On Whistling

THE world's leading record companies have joined forces to call for a ban on whistling, claiming it is an infringement of copyright. 

Hairdresser Opens Underworld Portal

A LEADING Scots hairdresser has opened a portal to the underworld in his Glasgow salon to satisfy the growing demand for paranormal coiffeuring. 

Jail The Parents Of Masturbators, Says Charity

PARENTS who allow their teenage sons to masturbate at home should face jail, a leading charity says. 

Teenage Boys Welcome 'Scandinavian-Style' Education

TEENAGE boys across the country were applauding the Liberal Democrats last night after they pledged to introduce Scandinavian teaching methods to the Scottish education system.

Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone

HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.

GMTV Viewers Lose Billions Of Braincells

BREAKFAST television viewers have unwittingly lost billions of brain cells in the last four years by watching early morning shows, a Daily Mash investigation can reveal. 

14 Billion Tons Of Bullshit Pumped Into Firth Of Forth

EXPERTS warned of an environmental catastrophe last night after enough bullshit to fill 6.5 billion Vauxhall Zafiras poured into the Forth estuary.

Serial Killer Was 'Outgoing And Chatty' Say Neighbours

SHOCKED residents of a small Scottish village have revealed that the serial killer who lived among them was "a really nice fellow" who always had time for a chat and was especially good with kids.

White Wine 'Good For Getting You Fired' Say Docs

DRINKING four or five large glasses of white wine at an office night out increases your chances of being sacked by up to 80 per cent, new research shows.

Middleton Calls For Abolition Of The Monarchy

JILTED royal girlfriend Kate Middleton is to campaign for the abolition of the monarchy and the establishment of a British republic.

Global Warming Will Make Statues Come To Life, Say Experts

RISING CO2 levels will cause statues to come to life and wreak blood-thirsty revenge on their human tormentors, scientists warned today.