It's War!!! Dutch Flood Scotland With Cheap Pornography

THE Dutch have launched their first salvo in the war with Scotland by flooding the country with cheap, low-grade pornography.

Boffins Use Hybrid Embryos To Create Satan

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have embarked on the world's first human-animal hybrid embryo project in a bid to create Satan.

Harry Potter Books 'All Made Up' Says Rowling

AUTHOR JK Rowling has revealed that no one is going to die at the end of the final Harry Potter book because she "made the whole thing up".

Rev Falwell Says Heaven 'Too Gay'

AMERICAN televangelist Jerry Falwell has launched an outspoken attack on Heaven after arriving there this week describing God’s Kingdom as looking like a ‘puff’s paradise’. 

Prince Harry's Butler To Serve In Iraq

IN a display of maturity and selflessness which would make his mother proud, Prince Harry has volunteered his butler to serve in Iraq.

Salmond Declares War On Holland

IN his first act as Scotland's new First Minister, Alex Salmond has declared war on the Dutch.

Boffins Invent Talking Road Signs

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have developed the world's first talking road signs as a cheap alternative to satellite navigation systems.

Drivers Face Ban On Driving In Cars

BRITAIN’S top road safety campaigners are demanding a ban on ‘driving at the wheel’ in an attempt to cut the number of car crashes. 

Public Fury At 'Offensive' Church Comic

CHURCH leaders were under attack last night for publishing an 'offensive' comic book designed to teach teenagers about sex and morality.

Blair Tells Brown 'I'm Getting The Friends'

TONY Blair has announced the timetable for the run-up to the declaration of the date by which he will reveal the time of the announcement of the confirmation of his final split from his long-term companion Gordon Brown.

Prince Philip 'Delighted' With New Balls

PRINCE Philip has announced that he is 'absolutely thrilled' with his new set of balls.