Thousands More Forced Out By Jamie Oliver's Face

THE number of people leaving Britain because of Jamie Oliver's face has risen for the second year in a row.

Poor People To Eat Carbon Under U.S. Climate Plan

RICH western countries will export their carbon in the form of tasty buns and cakes for the consumption by people in the Third World, under a radical new proposal.

Easyjet In League With Beelzebub, Claims Pope

CATHOLICS who fly with Easyjet will be excommunicated and face eternity in the fires of damnation, Pope Benedict XVI has warned.

Poster Reveals Unremitting Shitness Of New Robin Williams Movie

JUST looking at the poster for License to Wed, a new comedy starring Robin Williams, reveals the film's catastrophic shitness, it was claimed last night.

Market tumble sparks debt rise share plunge sell-off fears

SHARES in London closed down a million yesterday as squeezing credits in the sub-debt crunch market oozed in an oily mess on the floor.

Senior Police Cock Had Sex On Duty

A SENIOR penis in the British Transport Police is facing shame and ruin after being found guilty of having sex on duty and against the will of the officer it was attached to at the time.

Princess Diana 'Better Than Jesus' Says Archbishop

CHRISTIANS in England are to start worshiping Princess Diana instead of Jesus with a new prayer written by the Archbishop of Canterbury and exclusively revealed on the Daily Mash today. 

Fat Kids To Be Chased To School By Dogs

CARS are to be banned from the school run and children chased to their classes by angry dogs under new Government plans to eliminate childhood obesity by 2010. 

Pensioner Completes Motorway Middle Lane Marathon

ELDERLY driver David Jackers yesterday stayed in the middle lane of the motorway for all of his 400 mile journey from Bristol to Glasgow in what police are calling the most "half-arsed" motoring they have ever seen. 

World Share Prices To Go Up And Down

WORLD stock markets will move up and down a lot this week triggering a new ice age and a plague of painful boils on the arse of every homeowner.

Heathrow Protestors Hold Barbecue For Climate Change

CLIMATE change campaigners are to hold a week-long ‘barbecue for a cooler world’ at their Heathrow protest camp to highlight the dangers of global warming.