More Young Professionals Forced To Live In Balloons

WITH house prices now more than 400 times the average salary, more and more young people are being forced to live in hot air ballons, according to new research.

Rowling To Write Eighth Harry Potter Book After All

JK ROWLING has revealed she is to write an eighth Harry Potter book after all, although the best selling author says she is through with “all that fantasy pish”.

Bob Marley 'Not Killed By Wizards', Admit Jamaican Police

POLICE in Jamaica have closed their 26-year investigation into the death of Bob Marley and admitted the reggae superstar was not murdered by wizards.

BAE In 'Arms For Cash' Scandal

BAE Systems' ethical reputation i under fresh scrutiny after a Daily Mash investigation revealed the company is deeply involved in the international arms trade. 

It's War!!! Dutch Intercept Sporran Convoy

SCOTLAND'S invasion of Holland has been postponed indefinitely after the Dutch Navy seized a consignment of 25,000 Scottish infantry sporrans.

Boffins Unveil World's Smuggest House

SCIENTISTS yesterday unveiled what they claim will be the world's smuggest house. 

Scotland Relegated To Africa

SCOTLAND is to be compared to African countries for the next four years after another dismal display against its European counterparts.

SNP To Reverse Highland Clearances

THOUSANDS of Canadians will be forced to move to Scotland under SNP plans to reverse the Highland Clearances.

Reid Launches Terrorist Photocard Scheme

ALL terrorists operating in Britain will need to be licensed and registered before they can commit their psychotic outrages, the Government announced yesterday.

Government To Tackle Binge-W*nking

THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.

Climate Change Link To Gingers

THE first clear link between ginger hair and climate change has been established by scientists at Dundee University.