New Radio Station Will Be Non-Stop Drivel Promises BBC

THE BBC is to launch a new 24-hour radio station given over entirely to phone-ins from punters, promising round the clock burbling inanities and factual inaccuracy.

'Kidnap Me, Please' Says Skint British Soldier

A CASH-STRAPPED British soldier serving in Iraq has offered himself up for kidnap after pre-selling his post release interview rights to ITV.

Cillit Bang to run NHS

POWERFUL household cleaner Cillit Bang has been awarded a five year contract to run the National Health Service.

Tesco Announces Plans For A Store In Every Home

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years.

Church Accepts Gay Adoption As Long As They're Not Flaming

LEADERS of the Roman Catholic and Anglican churches have agreed an historic deal with the government over adoption by gay couples .

Klan TV Launched As Racist Television War Hots Up

WITH one-in-three television programmes now classed as overtly racist, a new channel is being launched to cater for a growing market of bigoted lunatics.

First-Time Buyers 'Excluded From Ferrari Market'

HIGH Ferrari prices are making it harder for young professionals to get their foot on the Italian supercar ladder, according to a new study.

Heather Mills Mccartney Calls Press Conference To Announce She Is Not A Publicity Seeker

HEATHER Mills McCartney, estranged wife of little known songwriter Sir Paul McCartney, yesterday summoned the world’s media to a major press conference where she demanded they ignore her completely.

£50m Campaign On How To Go To The Toilet

HEALTH minister Andy Kerr today launched a multi-million pound initiative to teach Scots how to go to the lavatory.

BBC Launches New Series Of 'Locked In A Portacabin With 14 Annoying Bastards'

THE BBC has launched its latest salvo in the ratings war with a reality TV show based on the incitement of unbridled hatred.