People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on

PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.

Man whose girlfriend gave up cheese 'needs to think about his options'

A MAN whose girlfriend has announced she will no longer be eating cheese is having a long hard think about their relationship.

The British person's guide to rioting

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.

Atheists' advent calendar just contains cold hard facts

AN atheist family’s advent calendar contains nothing but reason and cold hard facts.

Man in new relationship can't wait to see how he f***s it up

A MAN who has been seeing a woman long enough to start calling her his girlfriend is eager to see how he will totally balls it up.

Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone

A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of Christmas and spoil it for her poor, innocent family.

Britain not deeply divided, just full of angry gits

THE ‘deep divisions’ in British society are mainly just people enjoying getting angry about things, experts have found.

Everyone in restaurant hoping those two are father and daughter

ALL the diners in a restaurant are desperately hoping that couple are father and daughter.