News

We're just so concerned about deprived kids' education, lie right-wing bastards

THE nation’s right-wing bastards are so concerned about deprived children not getting an education that they can hardly sleep, they have lied.

A day in the life of my struggle to be relevant, by Nigel Farage

THERE is no point to me anymore, but I continue to exist. So while I’m here I may as well irritate everyone as much as possible.

Woman obsessively social distancing for months going for haircut moment it's possible

A WOMAN who has barely left the house in months because she is paranoid about coronavirus will f**k it all off for a haircut, she has confirmed.

I cannot go to the USA for questioning because they don't have Pizza Express, says Prince Andrew

PRINCE Andrew has confirmed that he has refused to submit to questioning by the US Department of Justice because there is no Pizza Express there.

Fatter… or pregnant? Can you solve the co-worker mystery?

YOU’VE not seen your colleague since March. But is she in the early stages of pregnancy or did she hit the lockdown cake too hard?

Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough, says Angel of the North

THE Angel of the North has challenged statue topplers to plant it right f**king there if they have a f**king problem.

One half of every couple is hideously messy and one is a cleanliness fascist and that's just the way it is

ALL couples have one partner who is obsessively tidy and another who is disgustingly untidy and basically deal with it, researchers have found.

Six shite quizzes to clog up everyone's social media

WANT to clog up everyone’s feeds with self-absorbed time-wasting? Here are six pieces of crap you can share today:

Man yet to own a car his dad respects

A MAN in his mid-30s has yet to impress his father with the car he drives, he has admitted.

A guide to today's statue topplings

FOLLOWING the relocation of a slave trader’s statue to the bottom of Bristol harbour yesterday, here’s a quick guide to today’s statue topplings.

How to brush off a public cough

ARE you at risk of attracting horrified stares by coughing in public? Here’s how to style it out.

Brits immune to coronavirus after four pints

PEOPLE develop immunity to coronavirus after consuming four pints of beer, drunk people have confirmed.