Birmingham accent no longer works as birth control after Peaky Blinders

THE Brummie accent is no longer a viable means of preventing pregnancy following the success of the BBC show Peaky Blinders.

Friends with benefits become acquaintances with benefits

FRIENDS with benefits Lucy Parry and Martin Bishop are relieved to have dropped the 'friends' element of their relationship so they can just get down to the shagging.

Music fans recreate Reading Festival by turning garden into pit of mud and piss

READING Festival regulars heartbroken at its cancellation are to recreate it at home by turning their gardens into pits of mud, urine and fighting bikers.

Five new bullshit controversies to keep Britain furious

THE Rule Britannia Proms controversy has made Britons angry and fearful, but sadly can’t go on forever. Let’s obsess about these next.

Calm the f**k down, says dog who's eaten chocolate

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out.

The best places to judge others this bank holiday

BANK holidays used to mean trips to the beach, but in our pandemic times the fun now lies in harshly judging other people going on trips to the beach. Check out these locations:

Horrible little bastard just being 'assertive', say parents

A COUPLE whose daughter terrorises their home with screaming tantrums have congratulated themselves on raising an assertive, confident child.

Your dad's guide to autumn fashion

ALRIGHT kiddo, it’s Dad. I know you wanted a new coat but we're saving for a hot tub to spice up our sex life. How about fashion tips from your old man instead?

Camping is loads of fun, and other lies told by your parents

LIFE is wonderful, according to the lying twats who raised you. But the bullshit claims they made about how great stuff were all false.

'What the hell am I doing here?' asks remote worker still living in London

A WOMAN who still works from home in an overpriced London flat has started to question her living arrangements.

Five excellent films to ruin with a shit prequel

A MAD Max prequel is in the pipeline, which may ruin everyone’s memories of the earlier films by being shit. Here are some more classics to f**k up.

Homeless to be fined £20 million for sleeping in doorways because what f**king difference does it make?

HOMELESS people on the South Coast are to be given large fines for vagrancy because whether it is £20 or £20 million makes bugger all difference.