Hipster claiming to have COVID-18

A HIPSTER is claiming to have contracted the small-batch artisanal coronavirus strain COVID-18.

Can't sleep? How to make sure your partner f**king well knows about it

DRIVING yourself mad trying to get to sleep? Why suffer alone? Here’s how to broadcast your insomnia to whoever shares your bed.

Meghan Markle's totally accessible guide to International Women's Day

BEFORE I leave Britain in the ultimate feminist act of telling my husband what to do, let’s celebrate International Women’s Day by being independent princesses.

'Foodie' actually just greedy

A MAN who describes himself as a 'foodie' is nothing but a greedy twat, friends have confirmed.

The five 'micro habits' of insufferably smug people

DO you love self-righteously explaining to people how their life would be less of a mess if they made small changes every day? Share these tips with them.

Woman into apple cider vinegar now giving full medical consultations

A WOMAN who evangelises about apple cider vinegar on Facebook is suddenly more of a medical authority than your actual doctor.

Middle-class families panic-buying board games

MIDDLE-CLASS families have cleared the shelves of cerebral board games as the coronavirus panic continues.

Woman spends weekend on phone seeing what other people are doing

A WOMAN is spending the whole weekend watching what friends and acquaintances are doing this weekend, via her phone.

Cat's entire life is 'me time'

A CAT has perfected the art of self-care by devoting every second of her energies and time towards herself.

What to wipe your a*se with during the toilet paper crisis

HAS the coronavirus made everyone freak out and stockpile all the toilet paper from your local Asda? Here’s what to use instead.

Woman washing hands 60 times a day driving filthy sh*t tip of a car

A WOMAN who is constantly washing her hands due to the coronavirus is still driving around in a disgusting sh*t tip of a car.

Woman choosing dinner party guests based on lack of stupid dietary requirements

A WOMAN is inviting people to a dinner party based on them not being annoying idiots who will mess up her menu plans.