TEENAGE boys across the country were applauding the Liberal Democrats last night after they pledged to introduce Scandinavian teaching methods to the Scottish education system.
HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.
BREAKFAST television viewers have unwittingly lost billions of brain cells in the last four years by watching early morning shows, a Daily Mash investigation can reveal.
EXPERTS warned of an environmental catastrophe last night after enough bullshit to fill 6.5 billion Vauxhall Zafiras poured into the Forth estuary.
SHOCKED residents of a small Scottish village have revealed that the serial killer who lived among them was "a really nice fellow" who always had time for a chat and was especially good with kids.
DRINKING four or five large glasses of white wine at an office night out increases your chances of being sacked by up to 80 per cent, new research shows.
JILTED royal girlfriend Kate Middleton is to campaign for the abolition of the monarchy and the establishment of a British republic.
RISING CO2 levels will cause statues to come to life and wreak blood-thirsty revenge on their human tormentors, scientists warned today.
SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have patented what they claim is the world's first self-hoovering floor.
THE Scottish Parliament is drawing up plans for a wide-ranging ban on swear words in public places.
AN official inquiry is to be launched into claims the Scottish Executive removed the body parts of staff while they were sitting at their desks.
RESEARCHERS last night claimed they had discovered a gene which increases people’s propensity to launch enquiries into the bleeding obvious.