I HAVE recently discovered that the passage of time has been unfairly applied to me.

When I was 25, having sex with a 25-year-old woman was completely normal. Nobody asked what we had in common. Nobody wondered whether I was having a crisis about my mortality. I’m not having one now, by the way. I just want to shag someone prettier.

But now I’m 45 I’m apparently supposed to think a 25-year-old is a different category of human being. This makes no sense – a 25-year-old is still 25, surely? The only difference is that I’m old enough now to remember when her birth year was the future in sci-fi films. 

So, having matched online with a 25-year-old, why does everyone think it’s weird?

I’ve asked my friends but they keep saying things like ‘Because she’s young enough to be your daughter, Martin’. She’s not though, is she? I’d remember that. And we have so much in common. We both use the internet. We both know what Netflix is. She has nice boobs. It’s kismet.

She enjoys travelling, and I’ve discovered that driving to the Premier Inn in Bath is convenient for a bunk-up due its ample on-site parking. She wants to go to Barcelona, and I’m fine going there and having sex if we’re not always staying up late, as I do need my eight hours these days.

Naturally we’ve got our differences, but that’s a good thing because relationships are about compromise.

She’s always talking about ‘making memories’. I’m not sure what that means because you do it automatically, don’t you? And I’ve got plenty of memories already. There are loads from the 1990s and they’re not that interesting. 

Yes, I think we’ve got it all wrong about age. When I was 25 I also thought 45-year-old men were ancient. Now I realise they’re just young people who’ve just been alive a couple of extra decades and developed an interest in air fryers.

And finally I’d like to dispel this idea that there’s a ‘power imbalance’. I can’t see it. It’s not like you increase in strength as you get older. If anything, the opposite happens. It certainly has to my bladder.

Bi-annual missionary

There’s nothing wrong with missionary. A bit vanilla, perhaps, but classic for a reason, the ‘GoldenEye is the best Bond film’ of sex. If it becomes your only position, done begrudgingly twice a year, after a few drinks, in the dark while thinking of other people, then it’s a problem. Suggest opening the relationship?

‘He’s popped out’ handjob

Hand relief from your other half might seem like a throwback to early sexual experiences, but it still feels good. Hand relief from yourself while pretending it’s your other half? Feels like something of a sexual cul-de-sac. It might be time to admit, while overwhelmed by the shame of the clean-up operation, this isn’t working.

Scrolling-on-phone doggy

When both in the moment, frantically rutting like dogs isn’t as degrading as it sounds. It’s only cause for worry if both of you think ‘well, he-she isn’t paying close attention, I’ll just check my notifications’. Hands should be used for boob/arse grabbing, or spanking if she’s into that. Your phone will still be there when you’re finished six-and-a-half minutes later.

Cowgirl with someone else

Cowgirl is fun and adventurous, but doing it in a Holiday Inn with someone who isn’t your partner is a massive red flag. You likely booked your room last minute, missing out on online price reductions, and are so caught up in the moment you’ll have a lager from the extortionate mini-bar. Oh, and there’s the physical, emotional betrayal yadda yadda.

Pornhub humping

Not humping in the style of porn stars on adult websites, but the much more literal act of trying to shag your laptop or home PC with the Pornhub page loaded. Your partner would rightly dump you on the spot if they caught you doing this, while also realising why you haven’t initiated since your 2022 holiday to Corfu.

Brunettes over blondes

Blondes have more fun, and isn’t that childish and selfish in this current historical moment of populist dictators and climate change? Brunettes, conversely, are the aesthete’s choice and can be trusted to balance the books at home. Choosing to bone a brown-haired bird proves you are a man of depth and sober judgement.

Bums over boobs

Boobs are obvious – they’re right there, front and centre, demanding attention from the weak-minded. A man who gives his sexual peccadillos a little thought has recognised that the bum is closer to the genitalia and is, therefore, is a more coherent and worthy sexual option.

Small boobs over big boobs

If you do have thoughts about breasts, simply from fair-mindedness, you have concluded that small but perfectly formed beats oversized beach balls. Clearly some men still haven’t moved on from Page 3, but as a broadsheet reader you never dabbled in that nonsense anyway and only leafed through Nuts for anthropological reasons.

Athletic over thin

Then there are those men, the model-fanciers, ignorantly demanding women slim down to size eight for their own satisfaction. You deplore them. A truly wise man notes that good cardiovascular fitness and muscle tone allows for better performance in the bedroom, and it’s better for her long-term health.

Wearing glasses

As a heavyweight intellectual yourself, having read all 1,325 pages of Stephen King’s The Stand, you would never begrudge a woman looking bookish. As long as she’s still very, very pretty. And contact lenses are far harder to incorporate into sexy librarian fantasies anyway.

Minimal make-up over a full face

Your knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, with his 2:2 degree from a former polytechnic, is after a woman who wears false eyelashes to the supermarket. You, meanwhile, as a man with a three-figure IQ, recognise that light make-up makes it clearer what her face looks like. Not no make-up though. You’re not an idiot.

Your ex

She’s convinced you’re still carrying a torch for her, and must therefore never be in contact. Insisting the split was amicable and you’re merely friends now is just conclusive proof you’re desperate to rekindle your lost passion. Your new girlfriend is just being paranoid, apart from those 2am drunk-dialling calls begging your ex to have you back.

The womaniser

You shouldn’t be hanging around with good-looking gigolos now you’re with her, and any womanisers must be replaced with good, clean, homely lads. She’ll tell you it’s because he’s a sexist pig who treats women like objects. But won’t mention she shagged him on a filthy one-night stand just after you met, and would prefer you didn’t find out. To be honest, you’d prefer to overlook his undoubtedly better sex skills too.

The pisshead

Why would you want to go on all-day benders with Tom now you’re with her and could be spending your Saturdays shopping for clothes or going on country walks? If you want to keep having sex, drop him like hot bricks. All your mates will laugh and call you under the thumb, which you will vehemently deny. It’s more like being tagged with strict bail conditions.

The ugly one

There’s no point in you having pig-ugly friends she can’t matchmake her single pals with, so goodbye Carl. You may have been best friends since primary school but a geek with massive ears and ginger hair is now obsolete. The fact that none of her friends are in danger of landing modelling contracts and could do with a few Carls as back-ups will go completely over her head.

The Friday night football crew

Friday evenings are for taking her to expensive restaurants now, not playing five-a-side with your mates before a few beers. Take it on the chin and accept that’s the price of an occasional blowjob these days. In fairness, you were shit at it anyway, and the others only let you join in because you booked the sports hall every week.

Rent, energy bills and council tax were recently highlighted as being more expensive for single people, but none of them compare to the sums loveless losers need to fork out for sex.

Singleton Jack Browne said: “It’s not just the escort’s time, which is f**king pricey. You’ve also got to pay for a taxi to the hotel room you’ve booked under a fake name. It all adds up.

“People in relationships don’t get it. If they fancy a shag they can just roll over in bed and start smooching their partner for free. Sure, you might have to sometimes buy flowers if you’re a bloke, but they’re not that expensive. A tenner for sex is great value.

“Meanwhile I’ve got to drop a couple hundred even for a handjob. You don’t have to be Martin Lewis to know that’s a bad deal. No offence, Chanel, if you’re reading this.

“And don’t forget the psychological cost of banging a stranger with fillers you hired from a dodgy website. The only way to make the shame go away is to visit an expensive therapist. It’s no wonder I can’t save for a deposit.”

However Tom Booker said: “I’m not convinced this is a real problem. I just shag cheap prostitutes on work trips when the hotel’s paid for. My wife’s always saying we need to save money.”

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, asked mother Diane when she felt ready to be a parent and the response was ‘a recruitment campaign for infertility’.

She said: “Mum told me to take my time and think about it, but her face told a less calm story until it blurted out ‘it’s like volunteering to spend 18 years as a hostage.’

“With only a brief tour through the spectacular damage to her pelvic floor, she then toured through cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, watching The Amazing World of Gumball hungover, and ‘piss. So much piss. Years of piss.’

“I was asked to imagine negotiating with someone cretinous enough to refuse good food in favour of Play-Doh. An incident I actually remember.

‘The precious gift of my life was summed up as ‘joy, fulfilment and a profound understanding of why some animals eat their young’. Apparently once she left me and my brother at Keele Services, but made herself turn back.”

Diane said: “This is a photo of me holding me when you were born. You can’t change your mind. No matter how much you beg they won’t let you.”

Favourite band t-shirt

It cost a fortune and was your pride and joy until your girlfriend commandeered it to sleep in. At least now you’ll be spared the unsettling experience of looking at Liam and Noel during foreplay.

Toothbrush

Electric with a new head, and you’re not giving him the satisfaction of having a spare Braun to clean his football boots with. You’ll make him bring it round so you don’t have an uncontrollable urge to clean and disinfect the bathroom.

Aftershave

That bottle of your favourite aftershave might have been a gift from your girlfriend but ownership has passed to you. Also if you leave it some future bloke might splash it on while feeling smugly pleased about getting a shag. You would.

Fancy drink container

One of many vessels you own that have a triple-lock, anti-leak device and easy suck mechanism. It’s wasted on him because it’s unlikely the dense bastard will ever work out how to open it.

Underwear

You’re having paranoid thoughts about your ex getting up to sordid antics with your underwear. Once you get it back you’ll be torn between a boil wash and burning it.

Cooking implements

Over time you’ve ended up buying quite a few handy cooking items for use at her place. Retrieving them might look petty, but you should go over. Getting back your garlic press AND having a ‘for old times’ sake’ shag would be a pretty cool afternoon.

Yoga mat

Your ex will no doubt come knocking for her yoga mat before her next session, as she spent a ridiculous amount of money it. You briefly feel sad while remembering her doing the downward-facing dog on it.

Ornaments

Your ex is probably going to want back the handful of ornaments she tried to spruce up your miserable man-cave with. Frankly you’ll miss these feminine touches. They made good paperweights and that clown figurine was a great target for bogeys.

Books

In typical girly fashion your ex cluttered up your flat with numerous self-help and personal growth books both for her and in the hope you’d read them. She’s welcome to those. Oh. She’s just texted to say she no longer needs them now she’s not going out with a wanker.

Trivial food item

Retrieving food items worth barely three quid can look tight, but you are. Unfortunately she interprets it as a desperate attempt to see her and get back together. It’s not. You just really like Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, the vain cow.

DVDs 

Yeah it’s all streaming these days but you’re fond of your old DVDs, and you’ve left quite a few of your favourites at hers. She can f**k off and buy her own films if she wants another Predator marathon.

Sex toys

The various sex toys you and your ex experimented with have no use in his flat. You’re briefly concerned he may have used the dildo for his own purposes, but he’s not that sexually adventurous.

At your mate’s house while they’ve popped out

Having a shag at your mate’s place is exciting until he returns earlier than expected and is deeply displeased to find you rubbing your genitals all over his new sofa, which now has a large wet patch. Would it help if you offered to buy him a new washing-up sponge?

Being wanked off on a National Express coach

Long and boring coach journeys can be livened up by a wank, and it’s particularly tempting when other passengers are dozing off. Your partner may even suggest it just for something to do. However being caught is still mortifying and you could find yourselves kicked off at Digbeth Coach station, which frankly isn’t worth it for an orgasm. Obviously you could just shag in the coach toilet, but you don’t want PTSD.

A knee-trembler on a charity fun run

Inadvisable unless you’re a super-fit running nutter, because you’ll be too knackered later in the run and if you do it early on you’ve still got four miles to go while feeling – hopefully – a bit drained. There’s also potential shame at succumbing to your sordid urges during a wholesome fundraising event to help children in hospital. Pudsey Bear is sickened by you.

Banging a colleague in the store room on their last day of work

It’s a cliché, but who cares if you’re getting unexpected sex after a boozy leaving do? Sadly it may turn out to be the most difficult sex you’ve ever had due to the lack of a suitable surface to lean on and the unerotic backdrop of hundreds of biros and pairs of scissors. And if another colleague walks in you will forever be known as the person who shagged in the store room because nothing interesting ever happens at your company. Which you are not leaving.

Heavy petting at a gig

A dark gig with a loud sound system might seem ideal for obscuring sexual activity and drowning out enthusiastic sounds. However the venue’s security might not agree and you’ll find yourself taking the walk of shame out of the arena. Which is ridiculous because sex is rock-and-roll so you’d think they’d encourage it, like at Woodstock. Apparently not at a Lana Del Rey gig.

In a multi-story car park lift

Full marks for thrill-seeking in this impractical and high-risk location. Your best bet is to park on the highest level and be ready to go as soon as the lift doors close, but maybe don’t attempt it on a busy Saturday when everyone’s out shopping. Generally you don’t want your sex tape to be CCTV footage shown in court on a charge of public indecency.

Joseph Turner incurred the wrath of his partner Kelly Howard by assuming their conversation was over because he had walked into the kitchen ten minutes ago to make a cup of tea.

He said: “I thought my absence and lack of replies were clear enough signs. But now we’re having an even longer conversation about how conversations work.

“Apparently by traipsing into another room during a lull I was ignoring her. How was I supposed to know we were still chatting? She’d purposefully asked me to be quiet while she caught up with Love Island.

“We weren’t even having a proper conversation anyway. She was wondering out loud about changing her phone contract, and I was showing her memes which she didn’t find funny. I would’ve thought she’d want a break from that.

“Great, now she’s giving me the silent treatment. I can’t even point out how hypocritical that is or I’ll make things ten times worse.”

Howard said: “How could he not hear me? I pick him up loud and clear from upstairs when he calls me a ‘miserable cow’, even if the washing machine’s on.”

It was her hormones

Women’s hormones are responsible for every major life decision, from crying at dog videos to ending a six-year relationship. She definitely wasn’t reacting to years of being ignored while you shouted at the football. It was all oestrogen.

Mercury was in retrograde

Scientists are strangely reluctant to acknowledge the role of planets in your ex blocking your number. If Venus can control the tides – or however it works – it can certainly make her realise she wants someone who owns more than two sheets.

Her friends got in her head

Women exist as a hive mind, incapable of switching on the telly without consulting each other. Left alone she’d still be more than happy to listen to Joe Rogan with you for three hours. But one brunch with the girls and suddenly she’s developed ‘standards’. Very suspicious. And don’t rule out the malign influence of her hairdresser. Women can’t say no to them.

She’s working on herself

This almost certainly has nothing to do with the bloke called Ben who keeps appearing on her Instagram stories holding two cocktails. She’s merely finding herself. Ben just happens to be standing exactly where she keeps looking.

She was intimidated by you

A classic. Your relentless confidence, encyclopaedic knowledge of Premier League net spend and refusal to pay for her coffee proved too much. Some women simply aren’t ready for that level of alpha male energy.

She’s mental 

Well, she’d have to be to leave you. And think of her psycho reaction when you romantically phoned her pissed at 5am and seeking nudes. It’s important she spends time discovering who she really is. A nutter. Unfortunately she’ll be doing that with the guy at work you were told ‘not to worry about’.

In the pub with friends, Jack Browne began relating an anecdote about himself and girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris visiting a restaurant during their recent holiday in Greece.

Wood-Morris said: “Jack’s story was about our meal being ruined when a band turned up and serenaded a woman at the next table for her birthday. Luckily I was able to do a live fact-check.

“Jack gave the impression it was a whole mariachi-style band playing deafening instruments. It really wasn’t, it was the restaurant owner with a guitar and a couple of waiters singing. So obviously I had to clear that up.

“Jack was insisting they were absolutely terrible and went on for 20 minutes. It wasn’t anything like that. It was three minutes at most. I remember looking at my watch just then. And they weren’t terrible, they were quite good. I enjoyed the brief diversion.

“Obviously all these corrections broke the flow of the story and Katrina, Pete and Emma all stopped laughing and just looked at Jack suspiciously. But I know Jack wouldn’t want to give a distorted version of the facts.”

Browne said: “She did this with my funny story about my old car. From now on my anecdotes will be ones where this bloody Emily Maitlis cow wasn’t there.”

Don’t ask how they met

You already know. It wasn’t at a friend’s wedding. Whatever version he tells you will involve ‘we just got chatting’, purchases of drinks and that ‘she likes older men’. Don’t throw shade on this beautiful late-life love affair by asking why every photo is in the same dodgy-looking bar or if he’s sure his ‘lady friend’ really is a lady. 

Prepare for barbed Facebook comments

Nan’s sister Yvonne will be under every photo with ‘That’s one way to move on, Derek’. Your aunt will mysteriously start posting bitter Minions memes about loyalty. Someone’s changing their profile picture to Nan in moody black and white. Mute the family WhatsApp group before someone starts a poll asking whose side everyone’s on.

Tell yourself they never have sex

This is essential for your own mental wellbeing. They simply enjoy long walks, daytime television and discussing exchange rates between baht and sterling. She’s in Britain for fish and chips and English language study, nothing more. The matching kimonos came from the language school.

Focus on the food

The silver lining is that family Sunday lunches improve dramatically. Grandad’s gone from tinned meat and boiled carrots to homemade green curry. You may not approve of the circumstances, but you’d be lying if you said the free takeaway-quality cuisine wasn’t an upgrade.

Act like the age gap is normal

‘No, she just looks young for her age,’ claims Grandad, although she’s closer in age to his grandchildren than him. If anyone raises an eyebrow, stare into the middle distance and say ‘Love is love’. It is, even for perverts. It’s not creepy, you tell yourself, it’s an inspiring tale of two people meeting despite a 45 year age gap, 6,000 miles and about a zillion obvious problems.

Tell strangers she’s his carer

It’s less awkward than explaining she’s his girlfriend. Calling her Nan will just draw attention and she won’t like it, as she’s only 38 and has better skin than your sister. You could pretend they’re father and daughter but that’s genetically implausible. He’s saying ‘Sawasdee krab’ instead of ‘Hello’ to the postman now but you don’t think it’s convincing that a British pensioner who voted for Brexit has a live-in language tutor. 

Remember he’s happy

As disturbing as it is watching an 82-year-old pensioner discover emojis and hair gel, he’s smiling more than he has in years. If he’s found someone who makes him happy and can tolerate hearing about his hip replacement every day while waiting for her indefinite leave to remain, everyone wins. Or at least everyone gets spring rolls.

Are you already in a committed, long-term relationship?

A) Yes, we’re prudish childhood sweethearts. I’m owed at least a glance at some different tits in a magazine.

B) I guess? My wife said I am the last time I got caught sleeping around. I told her it was important to explore polyamory.

Where will you be indulging in your sexual awakening?

A) With my partner in our marital bed. We’ll be holding hands and quivering with fear because we usually shag in the dark.

B) In hotels, public bathrooms, their place. Basically anywhere except my house. It’s just too risky to make a highly worthwhile journey into my true sexual self if my wife might come home.

Does your partner know about your sexual exploration?

A) Of course. We communicated effectively in couples therapy about our desire to spice things up in the bedroom by letting her go on top for once.

B) Too much knowledge can be a bad thing, I’ve decided. It would only break her heart to know I’m shagging the sexy co-worker I told her not to worry about, so I’m doing the unselfish thing by keeping quiet.

What exactly are you exploring?

A) All sorts of kinky things, like this so-called ‘doggy-style’ I read about. Sounds depraved but could be fun.

B) Do you really want to know? It involves multiple dildos, harnesses, and random women I’ve met on shady dating apps. Use your imagination.

What do you hope to gain from the experience?

A) A deeper understanding of my partner. A merging of our souls. A spiritual connection. Hopefully a blowjob.

B) Understanding my true sexual wants and needs. If a hot woman is there as well wearing sexy pants, that’s always a bonus.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Sounds like you’re dipping your toes into the shallowest waters of sexual exploration in a transparent way. At this rate you might do something really racy like wear some handcuffs by the time you’re 80. Godspeed, you crazy freaks.

Mostly Bs: You know you’re cheating, you’re just trying to soothe your guilty conscience. If you really want to make the uncomfortable feelings go away, say you’re dabbling in ethical nonmonogamy. Nobody can get angry about cheating when it sounds that boring.

Bang your partner’s friends

The sexual awakening that led to Dr Alex Comfort writing the famous sex manual was the result of him having an affair with his wife’s best friend. Many partners have fit friends, and sleeping with them is definitely going to add variety and enjoyment to your sex life.

Do ‘the Wheelbarrow’

The most famous position in the book. Basically the woman puts her hands on the floor and the man enters her from behind while holding her up by the hips. It’s unclear whether you should put a big pile of soil on her back and awkwardly push her around the garden, but maybe the Colin Firth film will explain that.

Look like a member of the IRA

What really made The Joy of Sex memorable was its iconic 70s look. The guy in particular had the long hair and unkempt beard popular in the era and, oddly for a sex manual, resembled a member of the 1970s Provisional IRA. Work on getting that look, although there’s no need to violently oppose the British state or talk like Gerry Adams in bed.

But the woman must have a dowdy 70s haircut

Remember you have to stay true to the book so female partners should have that fairly unflattering quite-long-with-a-fringe cut that looks as if you’re wearing some sort of Scandinavian hat. Give her a picture of Jo Grant from Pertwee-era Doctor Who to take to the hairdresser like a loony.

Do a load of positions that don’t really add much to sex

It’s important you try things like the Lotus, which is basically the woman sitting on the man’s lap, and Coital Alignment Technique, the man lying on top of the woman but slightly ‘higher up’. Yes, this is all a huge faff that isn’t noticeably more pleasant than your usual sex, but it’s not fair to expect Dr Alex to crank out a whole book just about missionary, doggy-style and blowjobs. He’s allowed some filler.

Experiment as the book instructs you to

The ethos of The Joy of Sex is to do anything experimental and playful you’re both comfortable with. The film is going to be heavily reliant on 70s nostalgia, so now’s your chance to fulfil your deepest fantasies and persuade your female partner to pretend to be Sally James, Janet Ellis or Madame Cholet. Just hope she’s not got a kink for Noel Edmonds.

There was always something shifty about you

It was hard to define, but there was something about you your girlfriend’s mates didn’t trust. Sometimes you seemed reluctant to answer their deeply personal questions. Often you seemed too nice, not dissimilar to a charming serial killer in a TV show. Them not being able to quite put their finger on it just makes you all the more creepy.

Your never did the things you were unaware you had to do

You never were very good at buying her things she’d looked at but not actually said she wanted, were you? And why didn’t you whisk her away to the Maldives as a surprise? Instead of only suggesting it in advance to be sure she could get time off work and taking her then, you unspontaneous bastard?

You had wandering eyes

Fidelity is vitally important to a girlfriend’s mates, and if one of them wore a low-cut top you should have switched off your hardwired instincts and averted your eyes. However obviously looking above her head was obviously just an attempt to hide your sexual attraction too, so you may as well have done her doggy-style in the car park when your girlfriend was in the loo. You’re no different to the rest of them.

You still had feelings for your ex

Your girlfriend’s mates have subtly interrogated you about your last girlfriend with the thoroughness of the CIA. And it turned out you both occasionally meet in the company of mutual friends. Her previous ex did something similar. Why are men never over their exes, the wankers? 

You had terrible social habits

You might not have known, but you were a nightmare to be with socially. Always talking while eating when they asked you an insistent question. Some of your anecdotes fell a bit flat, and it’s impossible to move on from a humiliation like that. Her next boyfriend will be impossibly cool in every situation, like Steve McQueen in films. There are loads of guys like that.

You weren’t physically compatible 

So many deal-breakers. A man should be taller than his girlfriend in heels, not the same size, which just looks ridiculous. Any children would have had your Shrek-like ears, and your arms looked insufficiently muscled to give truly comforting post-coital cuddles. It’s a shame you can’t break up with the gene pool as well.

Porn was different then

Men over 50 did not grow up with internet porn. Cinemas, VHS tapes and occasionally a magazine found in a hedge all featured pubic hair as standard, and it wasn’t a niche category on PornHub. Men watching porn films simply took it on trust that there was a fanny somewhere underneath all that.

They’re desperate

Older men are pathetically eager for a shag and unlikely to lay down conditions. At 23, a man believes he’s conducting a quality-control inspection. At 53 he is more likely to be thinking: ‘F**king hell, someone fancies me.’ He is not about to jeopardise proceedings with a list of landscaping requests.

It takes him back to 1990

Nothing transports him back to his youth like a pair of sensible M&S cotton briefs being removed to reveal a thriving ecosystem that could easily have wood pigeons nesting in it. Suddenly he’s 19 again, behind Thrustz nightclub, with Simply Red drifting over from the kebab shop. Proust had his madeleines. A middle-aged bloke from Kettering has a dense 1980s bush.

He can’t complain about hairs

His own back resembles AstroTurf. His ears have developed eyebrows. There may even be disturbing toe hairs. Complaining about someone else’s grooming would be like Jabba the Hutt criticising controlling boyfriend behaviour.

He is hardened to hairs in his mouth 

Coming from a pre-shaved era, he is used to getting annoying pubic hairs in his mouth that have to somehow be removed during cunnilingus without getting up and spitting, which sends out the wrong message. Rest assured this is less to do with sexual broadmindedness than going down on a woman being an occasional chore that makes it way easier to request blowjobs.

He doesn’t want to look a creep

A preference for no pubic hair can, unfortunately, raise concerns about what’s on your hard drive. While it’s deeply unfair to single out older men for such suspicions, he’s unlikely to reduce the chances of a shag by broaching the subject. And unlike young guys, there’s less chance he’ll want to record sex stuff on his phone. He’s not totally got the hang of sending pictures yet.

He has bigger worries

Male middle-aged woes range from obscure knee problems to being worryingly close to genuine oldness, with its decrepit pensioner stage designed to get you in the mood for death. A woman possessing a forest rather than a bush is an insignificant sexual problem compared to being constantly reminded that his prostate is trying to murder him.

Being nice

Being cheerful and pleasant all the time is an effort for men, who are naturally deep and introspective. But they try, and even manage to do things like visiting clothes shops without weeping with boredom, or being a tolerably competent lover to their girlfriend but not her friends or sister. These are remarkable achievements men should should be lavished with praise for.

Remembering things

Men are very logical, so they like to focus on clear, pressing goals such as getting pissed at the weekend. Therefore expecting him to remember your GP appointment a week on Friday is asking too much. Men also have an enormous capacity for pointless facts and trivia, so it’s unfair to expect him to store yet more data like your birthday or surname. In fact forgetting your name entirely is why you are referred to as darling, hun, babe and love. 

Doing things

Girlfriends are weird and enjoy doing pointless things: going for a walk without it ending in a pub; pottering around a charming local market; going to parties to socialise rather than in the vague hope of finding someone to shag. This last one is particularly baffling – isn’t the whole point of a relationship being able to watch TV every night and still get regular sex?

Sharing

Relationships require a degree of sharing, whether it’s time, feelings or chips. However men and women’s concept of sharing is different. For him, ‘sharing’ means ‘one crisp’. She will assume that items of clothing her boyfriend is allowed to purchase will become her loungewear or nightwear after their first use. The sooner men learn the rule ‘What’s yours is mine and what’s mine’s my own’ the stronger your relationship will be.

Repressing urges

A single man is free to burp, fart and scratch his balls, but in a relationship these things give a partner ‘the ick’ and are strictly forbidden. In fact a ridiculous number of perfectly normal, healthy urges are verboten: eating a girlfriend’s chocolate, feigning illness when you’re due to visit in-laws, rubbing one out the second you are alone. It’s unnatural, but see the earlier ‘regular sex’ point.

Being husband material

Girlfriends often see boyfriends as a potential life partner, after obvious modifications. As a result they must ditch the sweat-stained gig t-shirts and cease childish hobbies such as assembling a vast army of tiny Space Marines. Girlfriends don’t live in a fantasy world like this. They need a boyfriend to become a responsible father to the adorable imaginary children they have already named and invented eligible partners for.

‘It’s laundry day’

Casually mention that every other item of clothing you own is in the wash after a sauce accident, and a red leather corset accessorised with riding crop is what any practical adult wears while waiting for the cycle to finish. What were you supposed to do, answer the door in yesterday’s jeans?

‘I’m breaking these in’

Like Doc Martens, crotchless knickers need wearing around the house before they get comfortable. Otherwise you risk blisters. So you were just getting some wear on those, and the fishnets, while doing household tasks like taking the bins out and filing bank statements.

‘It’s for posture’

Insist the support of the basque has done wonders for your lower back. Frankly it’s more effective than yoga and unlike yoga, you can drink wine. The stilettos are for calf strength and the stockings are actually medical compression socks bought on prescription.

‘I’m doing a wardrobe audit’

Tell him you’re checking whether any of it still fits before deciding what to keep. His complete lack of curiosity has actually made the process much easier and this lime green G-string is going straight to British Heart Foundation. Maybe a needy pensioner could buy it, or someone with a functioning sex life.

‘It’s a social experiment’

You wanted to find out whether a heterosexual man could fail to notice a woman standing in front of him dressed like a burlesque performer. Your hypothesis has been spectacularly confirmed. You will now write this up in your Masters thesis, ‘Selective Blindness in Idiotic Boyfriends Offered Sex: A Practical Study’.

‘I lost a bet’

Refuse to elaborate. Let him spend the next six months wondering what kind of wager ends with Agent Provocateur and an open pot of chocolate body paint. Mumble something about ‘the girls from Accounts’ and ‘Janine really got the better of me that time’. This is also the best way to explain why you’ve shaved a heart into your fanny.

Joseph Turner often proudly regales his grandchildren with the story of how he pursued his wife of fifty years, Margaret, with no notion of how deeply sinister his behaviour was or how many boundaries it ignored.

Joseph explained: “Maggie was five years younger than me and a third year at the girls’ school. I was working at the firm by then and looking for a wife.

“One day I noticed her at the bus stop and I decided to follow her home. When I found out where she lived, I waited outside her house every evening. She told me that she wasn’t interested and begged me to go away, but I didn’t!

“In the end I wore her down, and she let me take her out to a dance. She’d never had a drink before, but after a few glasses of champagne I drove her to a secluded spot and asked her to marry me. I said that if she didn’t say yes, I’d drive us both off a cliff.

“And now we’ve been together for 50 happy years! Yes, you may freely note she is only 84.”

Grandson Dominic said: “I had to say, Grandad, that is incredibly f**ked up. You stalked and coerced her. You’re basically Harvey Weinstein.”

But Margaret said: “Oh, it was a different time. Believe me, he was one of the good ones.”

Josh Hudson thought it was good of girlfriend Nikki Hollis to keep the volume down with his parents in the next room, but became alarmed when she showed no sign of wanting to make any noise at all. 

Hudson, 28, said: “At first I was impressed that Nikki was so considerate and had so much self-control. But then I began to think her total silence might be hiding a terrifying truth.

“Sure, she doesn’t usually scream when we do it at her flat or mine, but I always thought she made a normal amount of noise. Obviously I am a very competent lover, based on never actually asking anyone, so why would she be faking it?

“But last Saturday is freaking me out. Could it be that my girlfriend has never been sufficiently aroused by me grimly thrusting away like I’m clearing a blocked sink to lose control? I don’t see how that’s possible.”

Hollis, 29, said: “Obviously I was in the throes of passion, just in the throes of passion completely silently. It’s a skill women evolved to avoid being eaten by predators, probably.

“Anyway how could I not be having an incredible orgasm after three whole minutes of sex in Josh’s childhood bedroom with Optimus Prime staring at me?”