Admit you were shy

Never mind all the other blokes you were shagging. You blocked him two years ago because you were afraid of your deep emotional connection and had the reticence of a virgin, not because he was tight and obsessed with football stickers. Given the options you now have, hearing about tracking down a 2002 Shay Given shiny isn’t so bad.

Stress that the timing was off

It was, in the sense that when you first dated, you were only 24 and had blokes queuing up for it. The timing’s perfect now, given that you’re a decade older and he still has some hair. Makes it seem more like a rom-com about star-crossed lovers, rather than a calculated decision driven by declining fertility and soaring mortgage rates.

Explain how your priorities have changed

They have. Once you wanted to find your forever guy; now you need someone to split the rent with. Both are equally valid and indeed the latter is rather more pressing. The story narrated to your girlfriends needs to include how you didn’t realise your ultimate man was there the whole time, hidden as he was by an unironic Wurzels T-shirt.

Tidy up your backstory

Stress that recent years have been spent wandering in dewy woodland clearings, sighing and hoping for your prince to appear. Leave out panic-shagging your way through Bumble in the hope you’d find someone better. Recount your loneliness, neglecting to mention it was at 2am after the man you thought a solid prospect left for an Uber he never mentioned summoning.

Focus on the future.

The past doesn’t exist. You’re together now and that’s the important thing. That old iPhone you keep around, the one with all the ex-boyfriends’ numbers still on the WhatApp account, the one you only fire up after an evening’s drinking? That’s just for emergencies.

Donna Sheridan, aged 47, had become accustomed a sex life that consisted of eight minutes of breast-based foreplay, three minutes of desultory pumping and finishing the job when husband Ian began snoring 90 seconds later.

She said: “Last night I realised I hadn’t thought about Robert Pattinson during sex once and, even more surprising, I was going to climax while my husband was still conscious.

“Once the post-coital glow had faded and we settled back into our usual routine of me asking if he’d remembered to take the bins out and him going off in a huff to take the bins out, I realised something was very wrong.”

Her suspicions were first raised by his new technique during oral sex, inasmuch as he actually performed it rather than doing a quick digital dip test before climbing atop her to bang away.

Sheridan continued: “I’d be devastated to find out he was having an affair, but how else has he risen from an F to a B plus without warning? If the affair ends without my finding out because I haven’t looked, but he keeps the skills, is that so bad?

“My biggest concern is that he’ll notice my actual orgasm noises are different from the ones he’s been hearing for the last 18 years.”

Pick a suitable location

An upmarket Parisian hotel with silk sheets is tempting, but a Travelodge near Slough works too, and is more believable if you’re a bit common. And the guy is here for an account of your ‘first lesbian experience’, not whether you had a pleasant stay at a reasonable price. It’s not the room service pizza he’s interested in you munching on.

Don’t get preoccupied by details

It doesn’t matter if you supposedly snogged a girl at V Festival in 2008 or 2009. ‘The Kooks were playing,’ is enough convincing detail, even if you think it might have been Razorlight. Definitely don’t start googling ancient festival line-ups, as that will be horribly frustrating for him. Unless he’s a tedious indie nerd who’s more interested in whether you saw Vampire Weekend than if you started fingering. 

Remember he doesn’t really care if it’s true or not

He’s not the National Crime Agency or an investigative journalist. He’s a man trying to get hard, not look for inconsistencies in your story. He’s not going to demand to know how you gave someone a risky handjob in Blockbuster while renting the 2018 film Black Panther when they closed in 2013.

Hold off on being too enthusiastic

You’re trying to get him hot and bothered with sex that you enjoyed pre-him. But you also shouldn’t get carried away describing the prowess and stamina of an ex-lover. The saucy scenario is just for foreplay, not for your bloke to worry about throughout intercourse and then lying awake at 4am feeling like a eunuch. Seriously consider making any male ex-partners micro-penised premature ejaculation victims. Men aren’t subtle.

Don’t exaggerate too much

He may be a modern man, but picturing you getting banged by random guys two at a time outside a nightclub in Faliraki in 2004 may not so much be ‘erotic’ as ‘totally horrifying’. It’s also not a turn-on for him if he feels he should visit an STD clinic urgently. Such extreme sexual scenarios may be all in a day’s work for Bonnie Blue, but a rule of thumb is: if you want to arouse a man, don’t put him off sex permanently.

She’s had more partners than you

Four boyfriends? That’s hardly fair. Yes, you’re claiming nine but everyone knows only a body count multiplication factor of four counts as equality between the sexes. ‘The deficit must be corrected,’ you explain, ducking a thrown wine glass. ‘It’s not about sex. It’s about fairness. I’d definitely stop once we’d evened up.’

You’ve become more attractive

While the bloom is off her rose, you’ve improved with age. The grey in your hair gives you an edge of haughty maturity, while compared to your peers you’re not actually that fat. Once word is out you’re available, the knickers of local ladies will fly off with such force that the Met Office will issue a wind warning. It’s actually akin to a public service.

You’re underappreciated at home

She’s barely uttered those little three words ‘I love you’ since you started pestering her about ethical non-monogamy, replacing them with ‘for f**k’s sake’ and ‘not this again.’ She doesn’t get you. But others will see past the dad bod, hairy ears and large collection of cycling clothing to recognise the wild spirit within.

She doesn’t want to do a particular sex thing

You have recently – blame the internet – developed an interest in a niche sexual activity which your wife finds deeply unappealing. Therefore you must be fundamentally incompatible, and your needs must be met by another. You’ve been up all night on Feeld and have several likely candidates. Is it so hard to turn a blind eye?

Your children have stolen your spark

Several times a week you’re left with the children for as long as 90 minutes a go, and it’s left you emasculated and exhausted. The only solution is energetic sex with gorgeous women, which will definitely occur when you slide onto Tinder to delight them with a pic of you holding a pint at a wedding in 2014, captioned ‘just seeing what’s out there’.

He’s forgotten something

Unless I’ve forgotten one of our significant celebration dates, which I haven’t, he must think he has. But which? I shall accept the flowers haughtily, letting him know he’s done wrong, and wait for him to give himself away later.

He’s bought impulsively

Or he’s compensating in advance for an unwise eBay purchase. Could be anything from a life-size Ultron to a new car. Either way, he knows he’s sinned and this is woefully inadequate as compensation. I’ll retaliate by getting myself that Jigsaw dress that’s in my basket but I had not yet bought, because I am a saint.

He wants a holiday with the lads

The group chat is alive with rumblings of a lad’s trip away. It may have developed into an actual plan, hence the flowers. I’ll get straight on it and report this bouquet to the girls and cross-reference for other suspicious boyfriend behaviour. They’re not going anywhere. But thanks for the flowers.

He loves me

It would be so romantic if he’d been at work thinking about how much he loves me and how much it hurts him to be away from me and that’s why he bought flowers. But based on his track record that’s unlikely. My spontaneous gifts in the relationship so far are a can of Fanta, chocolates he got given by work and a hoodie of his I kind of stole.

He’s cheated

James isn’t the cheating kind, which I know because there’s a tracking app on his phone. Could he have left it at work and snuck out to a hotel for anonymous sex? No, he’s not got that level of planning in him. He can’t even book a citybreak without checking with his mum.

No reason at all

After exhausting all the possibilities. I’ve come to the conclusion that he has bought me flowers for no reason whatsoever. How utterly f**king thoughtless, I deserve better than that.

Emma Bradford’s partner, Josh Hudson, was excited to be brought into the discussion, foolishly believing his answer would in any way affect the decision that had already been made hours previously. 

Bradford said: “It was so funny watching Josh carefully consider the options as if it meant something. I hate to compare him to a dog being trained to press the right button for a treat, but that’s what he is. 

“I allowed him to consider the local Chinese restaurant, a steak house he liked the sound of, and a salad place I favoured that was the correct choice. As I gently closed down the options with bullshit reasons like us having steak a month ago he really thought he was choosing. It was adorable.

“It’s not manipulative, we’re just one of those lucky couples with incredibly similar tastes. It’s just that Josh doesn’t always know that at first.”

Hudson said: “It’s strange because initially I wanted a steak but then I completely changed my mind. Which was the right decision because the trendy new salad place was lovely, and honestly a lot more filling than I thought. 

“Emma and I always make decisions together, but sometimes I have to put my foot down, like last night when I really wanted salad, not a juicy 12-ounce steak with chips.”

The three-way evening of erotic delight descended into recriminations after two sides of the troilism triangle realised they were doing absolutely bloody everything and it was far from fair.

Tom Logan, aged 28, said: “Look, I’m not a communist, but has Sophie never heard it’s better to give than receive?

“I’m going at Francesca, Francesca’s devouring Sophie, she’s doing nothing. Or I’m doing Sophie and having to manage Francesca’s delight with my free hand. There’s no reciprocity.

“She goes between my legs and just kind of hovers down there. She kisses Francesca unenthusiastically and doesn’t even bother with her tits. I’m moaning her name not in ecstasy but to try and get her attention.

“It ruins the mood to say ‘come on, put some effort in, we’re knackered over here’ but I’m sorely tempted. I was expecting more than a lazy caress of my back while we’re sweating away. Did she suggest this just for a night off?”

Francesca Ryan, aged 26, agreed: “I’m open to trying again but we need clear expectations, agreed responsibilities, possibly a map and definitely a rota.”

A deluge of slang

Expect baffling new Gen Z terms for bestiality, such as ‘fazzing’, meaning ‘dating a sheep’. There will also be confusion as familiar words get new meanings, especially for older people with younger colleagues. How were you to know ‘camping’ now means fellating an ape?

You’ll feel ancient for never having had sex with a cow

Middle-aged people understandably feel past it and envious if Gen Z appear to be having more sex than they did, and with an estimated 20 quintillion animals on Earth, that’s a lot of potential shags. You could always try bestiality yourself, but you’re worried you might look like a creepy old pervert hitting on much younger heifers.

Animal situationships 

Gen Z are supposedly into semi-casual ‘situationships’ so they might do the same with their animal shag buddies. In a sense this is a good thing, as a golden retriever will never demand you go exclusive. Although they will insist you throw that stick again.

Endless articles about it

The media loves obsessing over Gen Z trends, no matter how tragic. You won’t be able to escape articles in the Mail about sheep ticks being the new chlamydia among feckless young people. The Guardian will be cringingly liberal, advising readers that it’s okay for their teenage son’s Shetland pony girlfriend to stay the night, and they should remove anything potentially offensive to an equine, such as bottles of glue.

Pop stars will get in on the trend

Any artist who can really speak to young people about shagging fauna is looking at chart success. Drake is a Gen Z favourite who’s all about showing your feelings and admitting to vulnerability, so he could easily have a mega-hit with, say, Topsy’s Hutch, a moving track about his painful break-up with an Angora rabbit.

TikTok will be even more unwatchable

Gen Z bestialists will flood TikTok with inane animal relationship content, such as ‘Top 5 anime costumes my otter boyfriend loves’. You will both feel that humanity has reached a dead end and watch two hours of it.

New animal-based dating problems

Gen Z are at the forefront of tedious dating problems like ghosting and breadcrumbing, so there’ll be a host of new ones such as your partner leaving her manky chew toys in the bed or him not texting when he’s out all night catching mice. Older people will despair, and wonder why they can’t just meet someone the normal way, ie get pissed together and see if she invites you back to her kennel.

The first time our eyes met

Most couples know roughly when they first met, but nauseating couples go a step further and celebrate the first time they saw each other. This can be regurgitated to anyone who’ll listen, with minor details of how their gaze locked and there was – guess what? – an instant connection. They still feel the same a magical three months to the day later. It truly is a miracle.

Our first date

New couples believe the first time they went to the cinema to watch a Marvel spin-off should be celebrated on a month-by-month basis and will badger friends to recognise this important anniversary on social media. They might even break the self-indulgence down further into weeks and days. This can’t be sustained, and may even contribute to the coming break-up because it’s f**king tedious.

Our first kiss

Not necessarily celebrated on the same day as the first date, as that will have been occupied by eagerly finding out mundane facts about each other. Or it may be the first genuinely passionate kiss that occurred when they realised their deep connection, blah blah blah. You may wish to reconsider your friendship with this couple if they then subject you to an awkward reenactment. 

The night we talked until sunrise

A night where you made yourselves ill through lack of sleep from talking shite for hours is a milestone for sickening couples. This deep talk is a romanticised event where one partner waffled on for hours and the other was secretly hoping they could get some kip soon, while feeling increasingly twitchy and unwell. Ironically, they will also bore you with stories about all the times they ‘didn’t need words’.

The day we became a couple

Like gender reveals and marriage proposals, the asking of a partner to become a couple has to be celebrated, and thankfully the rise of social media makes it much easier to self-publicise. If the relationship continues you can expect more posts about engagement and marriage, all with their own anniversaries that require an unenthusiastic ‘like’ or heart emoji before you immediately get back to what you were doing.

The first time we made love

Too much detail, and therefore an anniversary ideal for sharing. They definitely won’t be able to resist if it happened to be somewhere memorable like Glastonbury or under the stars in the Maldives, but it may simply have been in a bed on a random day. You might however be spared being told about it if this super-romantic first coupling took place in a pub toilet or a Kia Rio.

Tom Booker, 48, would ideally like to date a 25-year-old knockout but accepts that her having options would be an obstacle to their relationship.

He said: “The apps let you filter for age but sadly not for beauty. I’ve written ‘young at heart’ on my dating profile because it clearly doesn’t apply to my body, which now makes weird noises both when coming and standing up.

“My youthful partner needs to be fun but not immature, confident but not intimidating, attractive but not vain, independent but still have time for me and, most importantly, have absolutely no interest in men her own age. Also she should insist on paying for herself. But strangely that’s proving hard to find.

“So I’ve accepted that her attractiveness may have to be dialled down. I’m prepared to accept facial features that may not be entirely symmetrical, or maybe even plain. It’s a big concession but I’m decent enough to make it. 

“She needn’t be stick-thin either. She can have some fat, maybe even a slightly noticeable tummy. And for the breasts I’m prepared go down to a C-cup. Finding a mate is so much easier when you’re not a superficial guy.

“The main thing is she hasn’t yet reached 30. After that stage they grow opinions and that’s really unattractive.”

‘New here’ means ‘Recently dumped’

Dating apps are haunted by the sad, lonely wraiths of society doomed to never find companionship. Nobody stumbles in happily, no matter how cheerfully it’s phrased. Being new to a dating app means a previous life of happiness has imploded and now you’re in the trenches of loneliness with everyone else in the radius you’ve arbitrarily set.

‘Want children’ means ‘You are a means to an end’

Taken at face value, someone saying they want children is refreshingly straightforward. But look closer. The singleton in question is edging toward 40. There’s a manic glint in her eye which suggests this is her last roll of the dice. If you meet up, she will be trying to harvest your genetic material within hours, once you’ve provided proof of earnings.

‘Figuring out my dating goals’ means ‘I want to shag around’

Everyone has a decent idea of what they want out of a relationship. If someone says they’re still figuring it out, it means they want to up their body count before they settle down. Unfortunately in this case he’s a balding man in his early 40s called Darren, so he has to dress up his urges so women don’t realise.

‘Looking for long-term relationship, open to short’ means ‘I’m desperate’

Being open to anything is to admit you’re scrambling. They want a committed relationship for life, but they’re so starved of love that they’ll settle for a couple of dates and hoping you’re so impressed by their oral skills you’ll tumble into marriage. An easy lay if you’re so inclined, but expect tears after. Or during.

‘I don’t take life too seriously’ means ‘I am insufferable’

This harmless phrase suggests a zest for life, surely? Wrong. People who use this are non-entities who think going for a Sunday roast counts as a spontaneous adventure. They also usually claim to not be political, which means they’d be the first person to report you to the secret police should fascism get going again.

Sleep through the night

Parents of babies expect to have broken sleep. Parents of teenagers get used to some bastard being up at 3am on a video call to their girlfriend while making popcorn. But after two institutionalised decades, the disturbing lack of noise keeps you awake then you can’t sleep after 8am regardless.

Occupy free time

Years of snatching 20 minutes here and there to read, years of pausing telly every time you’re interrupted, and suddenly there’s nothing. Time smothers you like a velvet blanket and all the activities you used to fill an evening with are done by 9pm. This is why old people devote whole weeks to getting a new shower curtain. They have nothing else to do.

Have conversations that aren’t about the kids

Your every conversation has been about the children since Tony Blair was prime minister. Now it’s just two of you on a sofa, awkwardly facing forward, trying not to pick up your phones. And end up bringing up the weather and state of the country, as though strangers waiting for a bus.

Appreciate silence

Once a blizzard of noise, now nobody’s asking where their socks are or if octopuses can be milked for ink. The silence is deafening and disorienting. You hear new creaks and rattles in your knees which were once masked by K-Pop and FIFA. The silence is not appreciated; it’s disturbing. Turn the telly up or have a row.

Socialise

Your one-time party pals, the friendship flame you’ve kept alive through your child-raising years? Now as unencumbered by progeny as you are? You meet for a proper night out and f**k they’re boring, going on about antique restoration or the unfairness of their pension scheme or lawn scarification. ‘Are we that dull?’ you ask your partner, afraid of the answer.

Have sex

With children at home sex is usually a passionless, functional affair, perfunctory and silent. Now there’s time for foreplay and exploration if either of you could remember how to get started or why you’d bother and hadn’t parent-locked yourself out of all devices that might teach you. You try, but the only thing that gets f**ked is your back.

Lauren Hewitt and Jordan Gardner are always meeting for coffee and hanging out, something she values deeply because there is no pressure on them when sex is completely off the table.

Hewitt said: “I love being friends with Jordan. He’s so funny and cracks me up all the time, so I always seem really happy and interested when I’m with him. But it’s just because he’s funny, obviously.

“You know what’s interesting? My brother always used to make me laugh, so Jordan reminds me of him. I should introduce them. That would be amazing, like having two lovely, protective brothers. Naturally I’ve told Jordan this. 

“It’s not just the jokes, he’s a really thoughtful, perceptive guy. He’ll say things like ‘I bet people think we’re going out together’ and when you think about it I suppose they could make that mistake. I love talking about interesting hypothetical situations that could never happen.”

Hewitt has spoken so highly of Gardner that even her current ‘shag buddy’ Jack Browne is eager to meet him. 

Browne said: “Lauren even trusts Jordan enough to meet a ‘friend with benefits’ because she knows there’ll be no judgement there. It’s great they’ve got such a close friendship. They’re both so lucky.”

Nod thoughtfully

Do not immediately shout, ‘FINE!’ Instead nod slowly, as if they have just delivered a fascinating point at a conference. This makes you appear mature, reasonable and absolutely not like someone who spent three hours researching Japanese bondage ropes online.

Say ‘I just thought I’d ask’

It implies your request was casual. You didn’t spend six weeks working up the courage. You just happened to mention piss play as a way to get more use out of the shower. You might equally have asked if she fancied risotto earlier. Not with asparagus, obviously.

Pretend you’re relieved

‘Actually, I’m glad you said no’ allows you to sound as if you were conducting some sort of psychological experiment and were never particularly committed to 69-ing anyway. If challenged, say: ‘I suppose I wanted to know where your boundaries were.’ You’ll sound like some sort of sophisticated sexual connoisseur, or possibly that twat out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Never mention it again

Especially not at 2am. And not after numerous glasses of wine. And absolutely not with the opening line: ‘Remember that sex thing you said you’d never do?’ They’ll remember, and oddly the passage of sixth months hasn’t changed their attitude to sexy Toy Story cosplay.

Respect the veto

A rule of bedroom negotiations is that ‘no’ means ‘no’, rather than ‘ask again regularly until they give in’. It’s totally unreasonable of them, but sometimes your partner’s boundaries do not exactly match your imagination. Channel the disappointment into something dignified, like bitterly staring out of the window for 20 minutes convincing yourself your ex would have been up for it.

Do not seek revenge

Your partner has rejected your desire for a spanking over the bins. This does not mean you should retaliate by sarcastically asking if the missionary position is ‘too adventurous now’. Nor should you tell them: ‘I’ll sign you up to be a nun, and not the hot, slutty kind.’

Delete the browser history

You asked, they answered, the relationship survived. But it still makes sense to pretend the idea came from something you happened to see on telly, and you weren’t specifically searching the internet for ‘wife sister threesome’. Delete the browser history and hope this all goes away before the family Christmas shindig.

Iron Maiden

Immaturity doesn’t always mean a motorbike or still clubbing aged 40. Long hair and an skeletal figure called Eddie on his mousemat also mean he’s a boy who’s never grown up, into 13-minute songs about ancient mariners, monsters and marauding Indian tribes he genuinely feels impart useful historical lessons.

Scissor Sisters

Hugely attractive that such a macho guy is no homophobe, embracing his sensitive side, crazy about a group of gays led by a muscled dancing queen. Thrilling he’s open to playing with gender by borrowing your clothes. Cool he likes to go to gay clubs. Everyone seems to know him in the gay clubs. You’re a woman dating a gay man. What the f**k?

The Smiths

In the 80s, yes, but still? Being tied to a man who is not only miserable as f**k but inherently boring as arseholes isn’t great, but open worship of Morrissey at this point is akin to announcing that, come the local elections, he will be running as a Reform councillor. And when he is too mental even for them, a Restore councillor.

The Prodigy

The alarm bells are louder than Music For The Jilted Generation in the back seat of a pimped-out Ford Cosworth. He should be over shouty bangers by this age, but he isn’t. He’s still angry and he wears shorts well into November. And if Firestarter comes on down the pub, his involuntary reactions will convince your mates he has St Vitus’s Dance.

Coldplay

It isn’t all yellow for this guy. It’s all beige; his conversation, his interests, his family, his life. Nothing rises above the level of bland. Your parents will adore him and his sensible views on saving, kitchens and going to concerts where they give you a light-up bracelet so you feel like you’re part of the show. Dump him. Unless you’re 35 and need babies.

Radiohead

There isn’t any Radiohead, not any more. Oh, they’re doing some shows, but their last album was ten years ago and their last good album almost 20. He’ll spend the rest of his life dedicated to their lost cause, convincing himself solo albums are genius, unloading trivia on Reddit threads. You’ll always be a distant second to Kid A.

Sophie Rodriguez met Jack Browne at a Sam Smith concert on Saturday, went home with him, had full intercourse and left the following day with every expectation she would never hear from him again.

She continued: “Instead, first thing Tuesday morning I receive an email. Apparently he’s ‘keen to learn if she would recommend the service to friends and family’.

“Yes, I suppose I have given appraisals of his performance to friends, but I’m less ready to put it on permanent record even if there is an AI assist feature.”

Browne said: “Word of mouth is the best way to promote myself and even create repeat custom. Requesting an online review should become standard practice.

“It helps me improve. Was the cunnilingus of acceptable quality? Should the dirty talk be intensified or cut back? Should I have offered a larger selection of breakfast cereals? All helpful to grow the brand. The email says ‘Thank you for choosing Jack Browne. We hope you enjoyed your experience’.”

Rodriguez said: “I gave four stars and elected not to receive further marketing material.”

James Bates, aged 22, has always been attracted to vampy baddies but expected that when not cosplaying as a monochromatic succubus, girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris would be happy to chill out and watch Bake-Off.

He continued: “Yeah, it doesn’t turn off. I thought it would be crazy kinky and it is, but sometimes I’d like to have sex somewhere other than in a cellar with Drab Majesty on.

“She’s lovely in that awkward, unsettling way. She smiles wanly at anime, but otherwise shows no emotion. She could easily have ensnared me as a sacrifice for a twisted rite except there’s always drama about Edward Cullen fanfic on the coven Discord.

“Every other text is bat emojis. Every other exhalation is a sigh. She does appear to be suffering from depression, but to savour it. It’s just not really a sexy time.”

“Anyway, Drake is into goths now, and he’s supposedly a paedo. That’s a good reason to end it. I might go for someone flat-chested but insanely cheerful instead.”

Wood-Morris said: “Oh. Is he dumping me. Oh woe. My tarot and obsidian crystals told me this would happen.”

Be quite racist 

Jim is frequently accused of racism, for some reason. Let’s just say that if you find the idea of a weed-smoking black man being called ‘Chalkie’ side-splittingly hilarious, then it could be that Jim is ‘the one’. Fingers crossed!

Make sure you love panto 

Panto is a big part of Jim’s life, so it’s essential you’re compatible on this level. He’s done mainstream panto but is better known for his own braindead ‘adult’ ones, which began with Sinderella and later included Boobs in the Wood and Big Dick Whittington. So it will help on a date if you love theatre because he’s not just a comedian, he’s a playwright too.

Be much younger than him

Jim’s wives got progressively younger over the decades, and his ex-fiancee is 23 years his junior. Don’t let this put you off though – he’s 72, so you can be in your late 40s and still meet his age requirements. Great news!

Familiarise yourself with his work 

This is a no small task, as his back catalogue includes endless stand-up DVDs with titles like Red, White and Very Blue, seven series of The Generation Game, the aforementioned pantos, five books and two shit sitcoms. However it will make a fantastic impression on Jim if you’ve seen or read all of these. And managed not to kill yourself.

Laugh at his jokes 

Men love it when you laugh at their jokes on a date, so you might sometimes feign amusement to be nice. That won’t be a problem with Jim, whose jokes are all belters like ‘What do you give a constipated canary? Chirrup of figs’. The challenge won’t be pretending to laugh, it’ll be to stop yourself literally laughing to death!

Support Reform

Jim’s a super-keen Brexiter and Reform supporter, so it will help if you are too. If things go well he’s bound to invite you to the Reform conference to hang out with his mates Nigel Farage and Lee Anderson. The benefits of going out with Jim just keep on coming!

Practise catching keys 

An odd thing to suggest before pursuing a relationship, but in 1987 Jim had the misfortune to throw a bunch of keys at his wife and accidentally give her a black eye. Obviously that was a long time ago, but practise safely catching a bunch of keys anyway, ideally massive iron ones, because the ones Jim threw must have been quite heavy.

Following a row, Tom Booker has barely spoken to Nikki Hollis for two days, failing to anticipate that for her it would turn out to be one of the happiest times in their relationship.

Hollis said: “Tom’s in a strop about something and thinks he’s punishing me with his silence. I’d argue the punishment is not that effective, because I’m bloody loving it.

“No pathetic hint-dropping that he wants sex, no tedious work anecdotes I couldn’t give a f**k about, and best of all I have full control of the TV remote. I turned the football over to watch Corrie last night and because he’s so determined not to speak there was nothing he could do about it.

“It got me thinking, if life is so much better without his perpetual blathering, how great would it be if I didn’t have to look at him either? So I’m thinking of dumping him before the weekend then going out on the pull with the girls.”

Booker said: “To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was in a mood about, but I’m not breaking my vow of silence. That would just be an admission I was in the wrong. About something.

“Nikki’s putting a brave face on it and smiling all the time, but I can tell she’s incredibly upset underneath. I’ll start speaking to her again on Friday so I’ll get a shag at the weekend as usual.”