Five incredibly annoying names to call yourself if you’re too hip for ‘Godparent’

ARE you too cool to be a godparent, so are insisting on a special name for your role as an allegedly wise figure in some hapless child’s life? Choose from these irritating substitutes: 

Oddparent

You crazy nonconformist atheist, you! Whilst you imagine yourself as some kind of anarchist Richard Dawkins figure, the child you are ‘oddparenting’ will mainly use you, your life and your personal relationships as examples of what not to do.

Earth mother/father

As a faux-hippy who pretends to be spiritual and care about the world, you will be embarrassingly unable to answer questions from the future generation you’re meant to be guiding about why you fly to a yoga retreat in Bali twice a year.

Mentor

This conjures up a particularly sad workplace relationship where someone called Ken teaches you how to use Excel spreadsheets with the turdbreath of an avid coffee drinker. The child you’re supposed to be mentoring will look at you exactly as you looked at Ken.

Guardian angel

Angels hover above, pure and invisible, guiding by tiny nudges at the perfect moment to send their charges on the most spiritually fulfilling path. You come round occasionally, drunk, and ask the kids if they’re trying hard at school, because they don’t have to because you didn’t and look at you now.

Sparent

Implies that you’re waiting in the wings to replace a parent when they die, which both introduces children to their parents’ mortality and suggests that there is nothing irreplacable about mum or dad and a new one could be slotted in at any time. Linked to long-term psychiatric problems.