Monday, 19th April 2021

Are you tough enough to be a member of the armchair SAS?

THE SAS holds an enduring fascination for civilian fantasists reading books about being hard. But could you pass the gruelling recruitment process to join their ranks? 

Could you do a 25km march through the Brecon Beacons carrying a 45kg backpack and a heavy rifle?

A) No. Nor would I want to. It sounds shit.
B) No, I get winded going from the sofa to the other side of the room to put Bravo Two Zero in the DVD player.

Do you live with your parents?

A) No, my girlfriend and I have bought a flat.
B) Yes, but it doesn’t matter to me where I live. I could easily sleep in the desert, in a freezing mountain stream or under heavy mortar fire. It’s just that mum does my washing and pays my subscriptions to magazines with Combat and Survival in the title.

How would you kill a man in hand-to-hand combat?

A) I would assiduously avoid any chance of a situation where that could arise. By running off.
B) Either saw through his windpipe with a combat knife, use a mixture of boxing and martial arts, or simply push my thumbs into his brain. I practice the technique on melons.

Which of the following is not an Andy McNab novel: Crisis Four, Aggressor, Kill Mission, Deep Black?

A) Dunno. I tend to read books by people who can actually write, rather than by men in balaclavas.
B) Kill Mission, obviously. That’s not SAS slang. Do you even read the glossaries?

What is the preferred weapon of UK special forces in a battlefield scenario?

A) A gun?
B) The L119A1/A2 variant of the classic M16 assault rifle. Everyone knows that.

Have you ever had sex?

A) I’m no Lothario, but yes.
B) That’s a need-to-know basis sunshine, and you don’t need to f**king know? Alright? Bloody civvies.


Mostly As: You are probably not cut out to be a member of the elite armchair SAS. Watch more SAS films like Who Dares Wins.

Mostly Bs: You have passed the test! Report to your unit by ordering a pizza and sides and watching a History Channel documentary.