Carnage as Facebook moves everything slightly to the left

HOSPITALS were struggling to cope last night as rival Facebook gangs fought running battles across a dozen British towns and cities.

Bridport: A hellish symphony of fire and blood

Violence erupted as Facebook ignored the warnings of more than one million protesters and moved everything very slightly to the left.

Martin Bishop, commander of the Lyme Regis brigade of Keep the Old Facebook, said: “I was waiting for my page to load, looking directly at the centre of the screen, when suddenly my life became a storm-tossed fishing boat in a sea of confusion.

“Everything that mattered to me was now three centimetres to the left of where it normally is. And a little bit wider. And the blue-grey panel on the right was a bit wider too.”

He added: “Death and those who support the new design are now friends.”

Roy Hobbs, from Dorchester, who makes weapons for We Like the New Facebook, said: “This is a motorcycle chain with dozens of tiny screws welded on to it. You have to wear gloves when you’re swinging it in someone’s face.”

He added: “That blue-grey panel was always far too narrow. Don’t you think?”

The violence peaked at around 5pm when the Bridport faction of What About Moving Everything Slightly to the Right? burned down the local church and pushed a van full of policemen into a quarry.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has given the protesters until noon to surrender before he starts machine gunning them from a helicopter.