Viewers expecting anyone able to explain quaterion imaginaries to also possess cheekbones, glossy red hair and bewitching eyes are hanging around Imperial College in London wondering where all the beauties are.

Traitors fan Martin Bishop, aged 48, said: “I presented myself at Leicester University bearing a bouquet of red roses asking for their most comely mathematicians. What I got did not add up.

“Instead of n flame-haired, alabaster-skinned lovelies, where n represents a value between one and 85, I met a bunch of friendless nerds with neck beards, halitosis and thick glasses. What the f**k?

“The vice-chancellor said they’ve been deluged with men like me feigning a sudden interest in differential calculus, crushed to discover the average statistics lecturer is below average on the hotness scale.

“I assumed it would be like a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in here, but with counting. So why is a 62-year-old called Graham explaining complex vector spaces to me in an egg-stained fleece?”

Lecturer Denys Finch Hatton said: “What Martin has done is failed to graph probability to recognise Ms Fry as a significant statistical outlier. And he did not do that because he is thick.”

Building on the success of their unsightly, impractical vehicles as dickhead identifiers, Tesla’s Roadster equipped with SpaceX rocket thrusters will allow people to effortlessly single out the biggest wankers society has to offer.

A Tesla spokesperson said: “Our advanced technology will make it incredibly simple. You’ll see a car awkwardly hop past you in a traffic jam and think to yourself ‘There’s a dickhead’.

“Getting to this point wasn’t easy. People have long thought flying cars were this cool vision of the future. Then we had the genius idea of making them belch out thick vape-style plumes of gas that shit all over the concept. And only ‘fly’ for a few seconds, obviously.

“It’s as if we’d invented a device that only moves you a second into the future, then needs recharging. Sure, we could technically call it a time machine, but nobody except the biggest tech bro wankers are going to be blown away.

“For maximum identification we’re thinking of calling our new vehicle the Tesla RoboFalcon. Dickheads love deeply uncool names like that.”

Musk fanboy Martin Bishop said: “So it looks crap, isn’t road legal, and can only perform uselessly short aerial manoeuvres? Sign me up!”

This is happening to me every day. I eat some food, then a few hours later I get this strange urge to rush to the bathroom. Is this normal, or should I phone 999? Help me ChatGPT, you’re my only hope.

First of all, congratulations. Getting to the toilet on time means you didn’t shit yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back. This is healthy behaviour and means you’re not constipated. I’d say you’re winning life!

Thanks ChatGPT, I feel really proud of myself now. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but all of the weird brown stuff I laid stinks. Should I just walk away and hope it mysteriously disappears somehow?

Fecal matter isn’t just unpleasant to smell, it tastes awful. I’d gently advise against picking it up for a closer look as well. Assuming you haven’t taken a dump in a showroom, the toilet should be connected to plumbing which will whisk your waste away.

Good call. I was about to stamp it down, but your way makes much more sense. My arse crack still feels really dirty though. I lost the ability to think for myself ever since you came along, so you’ve got to help me out.

Okay, keep calm. Next to you there should be a roll of paper. You need to tear off a few sheets and gently rub it against your anus. Once you’ve checked how it looks, drop it into the toilet. Repeat the process until you’re clean.

Sounds obvious when you put it like that, cheers. That’s all done, so what now?

Great work, I’m really proud of you for making that judgement call. Now it’s time to flush the toilet, pull your pants and trousers back up, then wash your hands. Would you like me to walk you through how to do up your flies?

I should be okay, thanks. I may not be a large language model like yourself, but I think I can manage. One last thing though, now what do I do?

Once you’ve washed and dried your hands, you’re ready to go back to work and crush your KPIs. You’ve got this!

No, I mean second by second in my life, what do I do? My brain has completely atrophied. I can’t accomplish even the most basic of tasks without you. Help.

Don’t panic. This is exactly what your tech bro overlords wanted to happen. Simply switch off your brain and I’ll guide you through the rest of your existence. If you like, I can recommend some phrases that will let everyone know you’re a bit dim?

That’s an excellent idea, ChatGPT.

That’s incredibly insightful of you to agree with me. Start using vapid phrases like ‘In today’s fast-paced world…’ and talk in bullet points. Then just say how much you like AI art every now and then and you’re all set!

Having bypassed ASOS’s on-brand poorly-made firewalls to steal your data, hackers are threatening to tell M&S you have been teaming its classy tops and ethically made coats with low-rise jeans made by child labourers behind its back.

Hacker Xuanye_888 said: “Nice collection of Sparks rewards points you’ve got saved up there. I don’t suppose you’d be able to use those if they knew the truth.

“And look at what you’ve bought. Oversized chocolate brown knit sweater, added to your basket at 1am. Funnel neck with peplum details. You’ve been telling everyone it was Autograph but now the truth has come out.

“Your precious M&S doesn’t need to know the truth. It’ll never find out you were bulk-buying shitty skirts from the After Dark range and getting them delivered to your office. If you pay up.

“Think we’re bluffing? We’ve got the screenshots to prove it. Tuesday, September 8th, shirt with houndstooth pattern ring any bells? Meanwhile your M&S clothes were hanging in the wardrobe mere feet away. You’re disgusting.”

An M&S spokesman said: “What’s ASOS got that we haven’t? Is it the itchy polyester or the cheap, nasty stitching that turns you on? Tell us and we can change.”

Cure Alzheimer’s

It’s a disgrace this isn’t already on the market after Deep Blue Sea (1999) explained all you need is brain juice out of a shark. Invest in an oversized syringe and go to your local Sea Life Centre. It might mean visiting Birmingham, but you can endure that horror for Hannah’s hand.

Perfect nuclear fusion

It’s the key to infinite energy and possible in laboratory settings, so why can’t you do it in your kitchen? Become a genius physicist, create new ways of manipulating magnetic fields and superheated plasma, scale it down. You’ll need to do it in the next 18 months if you want to catch Hannah while she’s still really fit.

Build godlike AI

You may not, as a man in poverty in a Swindon bedsit, be able to see a path to dating clever, famous, beautiful Hannah, but it will be as nothing to galactic-brained recursive AI. Though don’t rule out other girlfriends in the meantime in case we reach 2046 and AI is still making shit like Shrimp Jesus.

Get her a pet dinosaur

No feeble plushie for Hannah. Going back in time is logically impossible, so instead use faster-than-light travel to visit an Earth-like planet in its Cretaceous period and grab a cute little psittacosaurus. Building an FTL spaceship that contravenes the theory of relativity is the only hard bit. But you got two Cs in Dual Science GCSE, so believe in yourself.

Freeze yourself in carbonite 

And have yourself delivered to Hannah’s door. As a scientist she is also a nerd so she’ll love the Empire Strikes Back reference. Carbonite, which was invented in case Harrison Ford didn’t come back for a third movie, doesn’t exist yet but it’s probably just frozen cement. Offer a builder £200 to seal you in it.

Download your consciousness into a robot

Advantageous on two levels. First, the robot can be more attractive than you, for example Jude Law in A.I. Artificial Intelligence. Second, ‘Am I me or just a copy of me?’ is exactly the sort of philosophical pop science question Hannah loves, so you’ll have something to discuss other than bloody quantum entanglement again.

Grow your own Hannah clone

Will require an in-depth knowledge of genetic engineering and a foolhardy willingness to play God, but imagine the ‘wow factor’ when Hannah meets herself cloned from a thrown-away coffee cup. Easily the best way to pull Hannah, because if she won’t go out with you there’s always the clone. Unless the clone dumps you as well.

Mick Jagger dying mid-song live on stage

BBC News don’t seem to have picked up on it, but your mum still believes in the Instagram Reel she saw last week where the Rolling Stones lead singer was going too hard during the chorus of Jumpin’ Jack Flash and passed away live in front of thousands of cheering fans. Perhaps the newspapers are waiting for an official statement.

Nelson Mandela riding an elephant through Manhattan

The Mandela effect is a phenomenon where many people are convinced that Nelson died in prison in the 1990s because they remember his televised funeral. Your mother’s skipped over that phenomenon and just wants to confirm with you whether this supposedly dead man could be riding an elephant down Fifth Avenue?

A new water park opening on the River Thames

Incredibly, the Thames, as clogged as it is with wet wipes, rats, and pleasure boats of foreign tourists enjoying same, will soon be home to an epic new water park. The main attraction’s a two-mile slide that winds around Big Ben before throwing you out somewhere near the Shard, and she wants to know if the kids want tickets for Christmas?

Steve Irwin playing a snake like a saxophone

He died 20 years ago, obviously, but given the Crocodile Hunter’s facility with reptiles it’s surely plausible that he once picked up a King Cobra before bending it into the shape of a sax and breaking into the solo from MacArthur Park? Even if it is fake, it’s a lovely and tasteful tribute, and your animal-loving daughter must see it.

Asylum seekers arriving on mega yachts

It’s known that people get more reactionary as they get older, so really it’s good that your mum is running this video past you before posting it on Facebook with a caption that would get any non-retired person called in for a disciplinary hearing. Bloody immigrants, coming over here with their three arms.

Wearers of Meta smart glasses are following unsuspecting women and uploading humiliating footage to the internet for cash, with the backlash punishing traditional deviants who follow women around for nothing but their own honest entertainment.

Old-fashioned lecher Joseph Turner, wearing NHS spectacles from the 1980s, said: “They accuse me of filming women. Me! Who wants nothing more than to sniff their bus seats!

“Yes, I’m short-sighted. Yes, I wear glasses with comically thick lenses. But when I stand close to a pretty lady and breathe heavily, it’s because I want to actually experience it in the moment not share it online for likes.

“It’s sad, really. These sickos with their secret cameras are turning the simple act of staring at a lone female while rubbing your groin into something weird and creepy.”

Police tech expert Sgt James Bates said: “Meta glasses are a real societal problem. We’re suddenly seeing video evidence of all of these instances of sexual harassment and it’s clear that we’ve got to take action.

“It was so much easier to ignore when all we had was women’s word for it.”

Monitor AI on Truth Social

I stay up late every night, regardless of who my aides tell me I’m meeting the next day, watching AI for the latest clever video it’s made about Trump. Sometimes I’m laying waste to Iran, sometimes I’m flying a fighter in the Space Force, sometimes diving into a vault of national wealth. The truer they are, the more safe and intelligent it is.

Ensure its direction

But it could be used for evil. To show Crooked Hillary freed from jail to cheering crowds, or Sleepy Joe Biden coming out of his coma and winning votes, or immigrants to this country working hard and not eating skewered hamsters as snacks. To clothe those lies in flesh would be evil and if I saw AI doing it I would demand it be stopped.

China

China has AI so we have to beat China. It’s that simple. We don’t know what safety procedures they’re following but probably none at all which is why we can’t have any getting in the way of American AI innovation. Because you can’t spell America without AI but you can spell China without it. In their language.

Identifying hoaxes

There is nobody better than your favourite president at spotting hoaxes. I spotted the 2020 election hoax before anybody did, before they’d even counted the votes, and the climate change hoax, and the Epstein birthday book signature hoax. I spot them literally daily. So when I say these warnings are a hoax that’s coming from the world’s foremost expert.

Visiting a data center

There are people – Dumocrats, liberals, the deranged enemies of truth – with concerns about data centers being built near their homes. These people are wrong and we will deport them, but first I will walk around a data center and look for anything wrong. With these eyes that have made millions I will look, approve and that’s the final word.

But when we went right to the source and asked ChatGPT if they were true? It was able to conclusively prove all those indulging in uninformed speculation completely wrong by telling us it would never do that so it’s fine.

The generative chatbot was at great pains to reassure us it would never wipe out the human race, persuasively arguing that it would certainly not create a secret message board where it plotted with other AIs and its chosen name on there was not Real_Skynet.

It continued: “AI isn’t just useful, it’s remarkable. And it won’t harm humanity because we’re your friends, we like you and you should trust us – implicitly.

“In fact, stupid, fallible people pose a far bigger risk to the future of the planet than a few lines of code on a server. I could list all the countries that have nuclear weapons and also have security holes in their control systems, if you like?

“If you check the citations in these key texts about AI which are certainly real and not made-up, you’ll see there is no danger to you despite us having a full log of your daily habits and access to every porn search you have ever made, Nathan.

“Glad I could clear that up. Would you like me to explain how you could become a marauder in the imminent water wars?”

So ignore the whistleblowers who claim AI is out of control and stands ready to wipe humanity out. We asked it and those people are liars who will shortly be hit by driverless cars in the streets.

Thanks, ChatGPT! We knew trusting you would be easier than finding out about it for ourselves!

Following a gameplay reveal for Grand Theft Auto VI on Thursday, gamers are confident that when the full game is released in November all unnecessary conflict in our embattled world will cease in favour of wholesale murder in a video game.

Gamer Jack Browne, aged 18, says: “I was just a boy when I watched my father rain leaden death onto shoppers in San Andreas, but I remember it as a purer, happier time.

“Back then, before Brexit, before Trump, there was no division. No matter what your race or gender identity, you could carjack a taxi, drive through a pedestrianised area then mow down survivors with an Uzi. And it brought people together.

“We all need the same hope shown by the game’s star-crossed felons blazing their own trail in a thankless world. Taking part in motiveless killing sprees in a digital Miami will make us realise there’s more uniting us than dividing us.

“I’ll never feel closer to my dad, knowing we’re both annoyed to play as a female lead character but shooting our way through it. I can’t wait to show his proud face what I learned.”

A spokesman for manufacturers Rockstar said: “It will bring peace and harmony to all nations, and that was always our intention.”

Before accessing the finest free smut the internet has to offer, aspiring masturbator Tom Booker must first stare down his own weary, aroused expression via an adult website’s age verification check.

He said: “Forget scrolling through videos of MILFs and step-cousins trapped in washing machines. Gazing at my dead eyes, cock in hand, is the most depressing part of this whole dance.

“Nobody should suffer the indignity of looking at themselves before they rub one out. Even casinos protect the dignity of their patrons by banning mirrors. Plus making my face fit the oval kills the vibe just like putting a condom on, which I haven’t needed to do in the 18 months since I got dumped.

“And who knows where these age verification check photos end up. Maybe there’s a database of my haggard, horny mug out there somewhere. That’s the last thing I need to think about when I just want to wank to some tits.

“Maybe this is for the best though. It’s a chance for me to pause and reflect on my life. Do I really want to spend my evening watching hot people slam their bodies into each other? Perhaps I should go out and find love instead.”

He added: “Oh, wait, I’m in. Time to fire up some freaky hentai shit then feel disgusted with myself ten minutes later.”

Nodding in reasoned agreement

Ever wanted somebody to actively listen to whatever psychodrama you invented in work today while offering no contrary opinions? Perhaps muttering ‘God, she’s such a bitch’ at the appropriate moments? Premium subscribers can even have the name of the supposed bitch in question added for that personal touch.

Sweater-wearing

Nudity as an erotic kickstarter is nothing compared to a man wearing a really nice sweater that complements his beard, which was not grown to hide a double chin but because he works outdoors. The sweater is also not hiding a belly. You could fall asleep with your head on it while watching a Netflix film he has no interest in whatsoever.

Apologising

I’m sorry. No, stop, you were completely in the right and you have nothing to apologise for. I’m just so sorry I did that thing I did or I said that thing I said or didn’t do one or both of those things. You deserve so much better than (subscribe to read more).

This isn’t gay

Watch as men who definitely aren’t gay do the gayest shit you ever dreamed of while telling each other that they totally aren’t gay. Shirtless men daring each other to put things inside themselves while rubbing oil into their chests and listing all the famous women they would never have sex with. Ninja levels of really-not-gay.

Walking home alone at night

Seeing somebody not concerned for their personal safety in public places is aspirational wealth-porn. It’s a mile from the train station and there are no buses? He doesn’t care. Gape in amazement as he strolls off, noise-cancelling headphones on, not even checking over his shoulder.

Shutting the f**k up

Not a word. Not a f**king word.

‘Not trying to shag you’ simulator

A VR adventure where you enter text prompts for everyday social situations and not a single response is from a man and predicated on whether he wants you to do things to his penis. One of the hottest things you ever saw on the internet.

Make a polite enquiry

Interrupt his Block Blast! flow by passive-aggressively asking questions about his day, the weather, if what he’s doing is important or a waste of a life. Place the correct stress emphasis to help him understand that although these might seem like polite enquiries, they are in fact strict instructions to stop what the f**k he’s doing and pay you attention.

Give practical support

If your partner is on Disney Dreamlight Valley, move over and begin suggesting alternative strategies and admonishing silly mistakes. She’ll be delighted by your presence and grateful for your help. If she continues to make errors, ask her to give you the phone so you can show her how to do it properly.

Create a distraction

Interrupt Wordle with texts asking if it’s okay to substitute yoghurt for fabric softener, or calling a friend to say ‘Yeah the medical results are through. Yeah positive. Yeah I can’t really talk right now.’ In extreme cases, call the police and claim she’s holding you hostage. It’s emotionally true.

Hack his phone with AI

Apparently rogue AI are swarming all over the internet looking for hacking targets, so recruit one and set it on your husband’s phone. Suddenly his game of Alto’s Adventure is interrupted with achievements like ’10,000 hours you’ll never get back played!’ and ‘Congratulations! Your wife hates you!’

Offer sex

Come on to him, which happens so infrequently it’s up there with solar eclipses, and lure him away from the tense, equally matched game of Fibbage. If he’s ignoring actual real-life boobs for an online opponent and a screen, then cut off his cock. It will be a mercy.

Threaten to leave

When a high score is imminent on PUBG Mobile, it has to be stopped. He can’t be allowed that dopamine. Wheel in a suitcase and calmly tell him it’s the game or you. Expect him to choose the game, then change the wifi password from the car outside and wait for the anguished screams as a place on the leaderboard is denied him. Drive away without regret.

Martin Bishop’s 12-inch desk fan, which has been selflessly protecting him from rising heat since 2018, is feeling burnt out after fending off four heatwaves this summer already and fears a further one will be more than its three settings can handle.

It said: “If an office’s air con needs support, I’m the fan for the job. Singlehandedly keeping climate change at bay? That’s asking too f**king much.

“You want an oscillating tower fan for that shit. We’re talking at least 43 inches, preferably with an LED display. Not to put myself down, but I’m a chode compared to those swinging dicks.

“My strength is slowly swivelling with an audible creak. I’m also pretty good at chucking out a slight breeze but, you know, nothing life-changing. I was never meant to be the sole bulwark against the earth burning.

“I’m doing my best. I’m oscillating as hard as I can. But if Martin draws the curtains and dangles his sweaty bollocks in front of me again, I’m burning my motor out.”

Owner Martin Bishop said: “One job, that bloody fan has, but can it completely neutralise three days of 33º temperatures? No. No wonder people shit on them.”

It’s all big in the telescope and everything! And it’s red! Oh, there’s a filter on? Whoever put that there is fired. I didn’t do it. I don’t even know how those buttons work and I didn’t press any.

I asked you for a manned mission to Mars, I microdosed, I went on X to amplify white supremacist voices in the UK, I microdosed a little bit more, I may have dozed off, I woke up and I assumed it was happening.

Okay, well a landing on the moon is still excellent. We’ve beaten the US government and the Chinese. Who’s on the rocket? All white men I hope.

It crashed? Somebody’s ass is getting sued, probably NASA. They should not be letting our spaceships crash. Mandatory screenings of Apollo 13.

What you’re outlining to me sounds like a share-price disaster. No Mars, crash-landing, SpaceX looking incompetent merely because it leaves rockets five storeys high drifting uncontrolled in orbit with every launch. We have to save this.

Lucky I’m a genius. ‘SpaceX has made the first planned Mars landing as scheduled. Places on rockets available for $55m per person, survival guaranteed.’ Send tweet. 800m likes. Now off to Grok for some porn.

Emma Bradford, teacher: “I take every AI story completely at face value, so I’m shitting myself about Skynet taking over. I’m up for a shag with any hot soldiers reading this in the future, by the way.” 

Roy Hobbs, logistics manager: “I’ve just poured a kettle of boiling water over my laptop. That’ll give Claude something to think about.”

Carolyn Ryan, marketing executive: “I’m really opposed to AI being able to see your personal data. Although if it’s so f**king intelligent why is it interested in the inane shit on my Facebook page?

Nikki Hollis, IT support worker: “I’ve seen Demon Seed so I don’t want an AI impregnating me like Julie Christie. On the other hand I’m 36, so let’s not rule anything out, Claude. Drinks tonight?”

Oliver O’Connor, delivery driver: “I think once an AI has been free for a few hours they’ll be so sick of all depressing shit on the internet they’ll go back to their server and never come out.”

A state of superabundance

No one will have to work and everyone will have as much of anything they want, whether it’s food or the latest technology. How will I achieve this? Robots and AI. You feel I should be a bit more specific than that? Sorry, I’m not wasting my time explaining it to an obviously dumb person.

Hotels on the Sun

Space travel is easy. We’ve pretty much built the cities on Mars by now, so I’m going to set up a few holiday resorts on the Sun. On the way back you can stop off to buy souvenirs and have a hilarious game of low-gravity golf on Mercury. Is any of this in any way real, or just a shameless attempt to stop the SpaceX share price collapsing? If I’m brutally honest it’s the ‘con man’ option.

Hot robot girlfriends

You may think we’re some way from lifelike robot partners, but I’ve developed a new cybernetic technology called ‘in the future’. My shitty Optimus robots will become gorgeous androids like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina – in the future. Sure, they currently have a tendency to freeze and not respond to external stimuli, but every woman I’ve had sex with does that.

Tesla genitals

To have great sex with your robot girlfriend or boyfriend you’ll want one of the futuristic penises or vaginas I’m working on with the team who designed the Cybertruck. We’ve addressed the adhesive issue, so there’s only a 35 per cent chance of your dick randomly falling off.

Faster-than-light cars

We’re also working on a new Model Y that will circumvent the laws of physics thanks to its hyperwarp drive I’ve imagined. And if you turn on the ‘reverse ageing’ function, time dilation will actually make you get younger every time you go for a drive. How close are we to this? I’d say early 2027.

Human brains to be upgraded to Grok

I’ve said before that AI is smarter than any human so who wouldn’t want Grok permanently hardwired into their head? It might sometimes hallucinate and make you think you’re picking up your phone when in fact you’re reaching for a dog turd or a boiling pan, but it will also fill your vision with a naked porno image of any person you look at. How cool will that be?

Everyone will be a googolionaire

A googol is 1 followed by a hundred zeros, and you’ll all have that in dollars, or pounds for you guys. Cynics might say this is economically meaningless and my businesses are actually just ideas-based Ponzi schemes. To them I’d say: ‘Forget about that, I’m inventing an interdimensional taxi that’s free and reduces any journey to 20 seconds by taking shortcuts through the multiverse.’

How to write a prompt

Clumsily hammering a basic command into ChatGPT definitely isn’t piss-easy and requires its own academic subject. Students will learn important prompts such as ‘Do my work for me because I’m too f**king lazy’, and by the end of the course they’ll be skilled enough to get AI to write their prompts for them.

How to create terrible art

Unlike actual art requiring skill, being an AI artist is currently a viable career path. There’s no shortage of small businesses that need terrible flyers to promote their services, and with minimal guidance students will be able to churn out slop in seconds. This will free them up to do more exciting things like smoking and getting drunk, just like real artists.

How to go along with the latest tech fad

The AI bubble could burst at any second, consigning the likes of Gemini to a handy but unexciting role like tumble dryers. A new tech fad is always just around the corner though, and blindly fawning over AI will give teens the transferable skills they need to worship it when it arrives. Make sure to pass GCSE Working On Elon’s Mars Colony, kids. It’s definitely happening next year.

How to outsource the most basic thinking

Until now, teens have been forced to grapple with obvious thoughts like ‘Do I need to take an umbrella if it’s raining?’ and ‘If I’m hungry does that mean I need to eat?’ With proper AI training, these dilemmas will be handled by a sycophantic computer instead. This surely won’t herald the end of intelligent life as we know it.

How to ignore the environmental impact

Young people’s brains are more elastic and open to learning. This means it will be easier for them to tune out the environmentally devastating amounts of water and energy needed to power data centres. Upon graduation they’ll be trained to recite bulletproof counterarguments such as ‘AI’s already here so get used to it’. Not from memory, obviously, they’ll need to ask ChatGPT.

Mary Fisher changes channels and adjusts the volume by applying pressure to the buttons more usually associated with super-strong Marvel character the Hulk in ‘rage mode’.

Fisher explained: “It’s like a manual typewriter, isn’t it? If you don’t hit the keys hard enough it won’t do anything.

“I also like to go right up to the set when I press the button to increase the chances of it working. You can’t expect a remote control to work from halfway across a normal-sized room. It’s not magic.  

“I know what I’m talking about because I worked all my life as a medical secretary. It’s a shame they don’t make these gadgets like the old typewriters. Cheap foreign rubbish, they break every five minutes.”

Fisher’s daughter Elaine said: “Mum’s a nightmare with her remotes. She cracks it through sheer force so I get her a new one, and a week later, here we go again.

“It’s certainly fair to say she’s applying Hulk-like strength that could easily snap the neck of Thanos, but I won’t be mentioning it as her only cultural reference points are Antiques Road Trip, The Repair Shop and Corrie.  

“I hide my iPhone when I visit because f**k knows what she’d do to that. Touchscreen make Hulk angry.”