Humanity breaks speed of light but is still rubbish with money

THE human race has managed to break the speed of light before learning how not to run out of money, it has been confirmed.

How many central bankers does it take to fuck up this lightbulb?

As scientists at CERN made a particle go faster than the electricity you are using to read this, the world banking system ran out of cash for the second time in three years.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Not only was Einstein wrong, but he was always skint.

“Poncing around Zurich with his fancy equation and asking people to buy him lunch. Pain in the arse.”

He added: “What CERN has done is truly ground-breaking. They have demonstrated beyond all doubt what a colossal bunch of fucknuts we really are.

“This time next year the large hadron collider will have been sold to a Russian oligarch so that UBS has enough money to lend to the Greeks until they can be bothered to learn arithmetic.

“And the Russian oligarch will probably just gold plate it and use it for racing his cheetahs.”

Meanwhile, scientists have stressed that breaking the speed of light does not mean Star Trek, so just calm the fuck down and stop buying stuff you can’t afford.