Humans Do Not Breed, Say Experts

HUMAN reproduction is invariably based on love and a deep longing to create something unique and beautiful, it emerged last night.

100% of young wildebeest mothers are ummarried

Experts confirmed that humans do not rut like beasts in a field, with the small-brained males injecting their semen into several ripe, willing females without regard for how the resulting offspring will be fed and nurtured.

Julian Cook, professor of reproductive biology at Reading University, explained: “Breeding is a term that can only be applied to animals who do not wear clothes or live in houses and go to the toilet outside.

“For instance, a typical male wildebeest will not take time to choose a single partner based on love and compatibility, but instead will simply indulge in a practice that I call ‘fucking’.

“He will mate with three or four females per season and, unlike a beautiful and unique human, the wildebeest will not have given any thought as to how the young will be fed. As far as he is concerned the savannah will somehow provide.

“These are the typical characteristics of what I would term ‘breeding’, whereas beautiful, amazing humans create each new special and extraordinary life from the merging of two souls immersed in a unique and glorious rapture that must surely be eternal.

“As I am sure you already know, every human baby that has ever been born glows with the billion stars of their parents love for each other.”

He added: “In all my years of studying reproduction I have never come across a human child that was the result of ‘fucking’.”

Professor Cook spoke out after Howard Flight became the 28th Evil Conservative peer this month to issue a humiliating apology for saying something unquestionably true.

Last week Lord Young tried to hang himself with his belt after cruelly pointing out that mortgage rates were relatively low, while Lord Finch-Hatton chose to bury himself alive after claiming that in his experience black people seemed to be a bit better at dancing than white people.