IOS5 ends Steve Jobs tributes

APPLE idolaters have decided that they don’t miss Steve Jobs quite as much as they thought after their phones started exploding.

IOS5 may also seduce your wife

Unexpected borderline-Satanic issues with Apple’s latest IOS5 mobile operating system – including data loss, file synching problems and a glitch that makes it kill your cat  – have caused iPhone owners to re-evaluate how much of a genius Jobs actually was.

Carlisle iPhonist Wayne Hayes said “I was hoping that Steve’s final legacy would be greater Twitter connectivity or remote data storage but I now have a phone that screams obscenities at me in Romanian and shows me photoshopped pictures of Brian Blessed making love to an ocelot.”

“The new software has gone further than simply making the phone inoperable. Indeed it is now actively evil.”

Since the IOS5 launch, floral tributes outside Apple stores have been been replaced by photographs of Jobs with the word ‘Git’ scrawled on them in angry colours.

The stores introduced a two-lane queuing system this morning, with one line of bleary-eyed twitchy people waiting to spend a fortune on a piece of plastic that will ruin their lives, and the other line full of people waiting to ask staff why their existing piece of plastic keeps ringing the Ghanian embassy for no apparent reason.

Apple has made no comment about the problems, but it’s thought that the developers of the software accidentally left a beta version of it on a memory stick on top of an ancient grimoire, infusing the code with demonic intent.

iPad owner Wayne Hayes said: “I now have the world’s most expensive coffee table coaster.

“One that’s incompatible with half the mugs in my cupboard and doesn’t support tea.”