Science & Technology
Northerners denounce contactless payment as 'the Devil's hocus pocus'
CONTACTLESS payment is Lucifer's dark magic, the people of the North have declared.
"Alexa, if I’m going to die, then what’s the point of doing anything?"
AMAZON’S smart speaker is not yet ready for life’s bigger questions, it has emerged.
Facebook reminds man that four years ago he used to use Facebook
FACEBOOK’S ‘On this day… four years ago’ feature has reminded a Facebook user that four years ago he used to actually post stuff.
Google to pay £2bn fine by blackmailing you about your search history
GOOGLE has unveiled plans to pay its £2bn EU fine by blackmailing you about all the weird and/or dirty things you look up on the internet every single day.
Scientists discover soft Southern caveman
RESEARCHERS have found the fossilised remains of a Southern caveman who lived in a fancy cave eating dinosaur sushi.
Pringles 'eat your soul'
PRINGLES potato chips destroy your soul, it has been confirmed.
Robots enjoying May-Hammond rapport
BRITAIN’S robots are enjoying the hilarious and heartwarming TV appearances of Theresa May and Philip Hammond, they have revealed.
Vegan scientists discover second topic of conversation
VEGAN scientists have announced the discovery of something else they can talk about apart from their veganism.
Relief as dads take charge of UK's cybersecurity
BRITAIN’S technologically challenged fathers believe they are dealing with the threat of more cyber-attacks.
Computers confirmed as a lot of bollocks
COMPUTERS are a pointless load of bollocks, it has been confirmed.
Private electricity makes your telly work better, claim Tories
THE Conservatives have claimed that without private electricity, Britain’s flatscreen televisions would still be showing the test card.
Missing sock mysteriously returns after three-year absence
A SOCK, missing for three years, has unaccountably returned to the wardrobe from which it vanished.