Science & Technology

20 percent of all children are Mick Jagger's

MICK Jagger is responsible for 20 percent of all human births, say researchers.

Colleague insists on using bollocks file-sharing thing

A WORKER is insisting his colleagues use some annoying file-sharing app he has found, it has emerged.

'Alt-right' keyboard shortcut makes burning cross appear

PRESSING ‘alt-right’ on a computer keyboard makes a picture of a burning cross appear, it has emerged.

Pub garden heater only works if you are basically touching it

A PUB’S outdoor heater is only effective if you are standing within a half of centimetre of it, it has emerged.

Scientists believe reality is a dream in racist nan’s mind

OUR reality is just a dream in the mind of a nan who doesn’t like foreigners, it has been claimed.

Normal moon ‘shit’

THE public has hit out at the normal moon for its lack of effort after being wowed by the 'supermoon'.

Chips ‘do not need to be cooked three times’

ONCE-COOKED chips are perfectly fine, it has been confirmed.

Patchy Skype call becomes blame game over who has shittest internet

A SKYPE chat became a bitter argument over whose shit internet connection kept making it break.

Samsung phone owners experiencing closest thing they will ever get to excitement

THE reliable, boring people who own Samsung phones are experiencing their most nearly-exciting day ever.

Man always knew exploding phone would be the way he’d go

THE unrepentant owner of a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 has said he has lived by the phone and so is not afraid to die by it.

Electrician in awe of last electrician’s work

AN electrician has confessed to being absolutely awestruck by the previous electrician’s flawless installation of a bathroom extractor fan.

Nobel prize winners begin ordeal of trying to explain their work to morons

THE winners of the Nobel Prize in Physics have begun a lifetime of trying to explain their work to idiots.