Science & Technology

BBC closes loophole for whiny freeloaders

PEOPLE with an absurd sense of entitlement will no longer be able to watch BBC iPlayer for free, the broadcaster has confirmed.

People whose names begin with 'A' get pocket-called fifty times per day

PEOPLE whose names begin with an A get pocket-called upwards of fifty times a day, it has emerged.

You can f**k off if you think you’re getting a new iPhone now, says Apple

APPLE CEO Tim Cook has announced that next week’s iPhone 7 launch will not take place because the world does not deserve it.

Signal from distant star an invitation to LinkedIn

ASTRONOMERS have confirmed the existence of semi-intelligent alien life with the discovery of an interstellar LinkedIn message.

Closest Earth-like planet best hope of getting on property ladder

FIRST-TIME buyers have been urged to start looking at buying property on Proxima B.

Batteries in remote granted eternal life

THE batteries in a television remote have seemingly been granted eternal life by a force greater than us.

Library computers ‘also used by ancient Sumerians’

THE computers in your local library are so old they were used by ancient Sumerian tribes some 4000 years ago.

Fracking victims to receive share of hazmat suit and lake of fire

PEOPLE whose tap water is going to burst into flames will be given a share of a biological warfare suit, the prime minister has confirmed.

Millions take 'digital detox' to remind themselves how bored they used to be

ONE-THIRD of UK internet users have taken a break from the internet to remember how boring and inconvenient life used to be.

Baby named after Pokemon sure to have a great life

A BABY girl named Eevee after a Pokemon Go character will do incredibly well in life, scientists believe.

People who buy pre-sliced fruit ‘not proper humans’

THE gap between those who buy expensive packs of pre-sliced fruit and normal people is wider than previously thought, experts have found.

Beer now insanely delicious

BEER has reached a level of insane deliciousness, it has been confirmed.