Science & Technology

Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

Scientists To Continue Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

'Obscene' Gravity Must Be Repealed, Says Harman

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.

Single Phone Charger To End Multiple Phone Charger Madness

AN historic agreement last night brought the world one step closer to ending the insanity of having several different kinds of mobile phone charger.

Scientists In Race To Discover Particle No-One Else Cares About

EUROPEAN and American scientists are locked in a thrilling neck and neck race to discover a profoundly important particle that no-one cares about in the slightest.

Snow does eventually melt, claims Met Office

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.

 

Worthless, Ill-Informed Opinions In Every Home By 2012

EVERY home in Britain will have access to an endless stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions by 2012, under new government proposals.

Scientists Unveil Energy Efficient Porno-Kettle

SCIENTISTS have invented a three-litre electric kettle with limescale filter, single-cup facility and an eight-inch LCD screen showing boiling-hot Amsterdam horse action.

Wind Turbine Damage 'May Not Have Been Aliens'

DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.

UK Maths Failures Cost Economy Really Big Number

BRITAIN'S poor standards in maths are costing the economy a flabillion and one every year, a new report suggests.

Scientists Break Planet

SCIENTISTS who accidentally drilled into a magma chamber under a volcano in Hawaii have broken the planet, it was confirmed last night.