Science & Technology

UK Maths Failures Cost Economy Really Big Number

BRITAIN'S poor standards in maths are costing the economy a flabillion and one every year, a new report suggests.

Scientists Break Planet

SCIENTISTS who accidentally drilled into a magma chamber under a volcano in Hawaii have broken the planet, it was confirmed last night.

Microsoft To Launch Range Of Clothing That Doesn't Work

MICROSOFT is to launch a range a range of branded t-shirts that need to be constantly updated, it was announced last night.

Anti-Ageing Creams Are 98% Bullshit, Say Scientists

WOMEN'S anti-ageing face creams contain up to 98% bullshit, according to a new study.

Apple Accused Of Exaggerating How Much You Matter

APPLE has been forced to withdraw its latest iPhone advert because it exaggerates how busy you are and how significant your life is.

Is It Time To Use Stem Cells For Practical Jokes?

THE medical profession faces a new ethical dilemma after scientists raised the prospect of stem cells being used for tomfoolery and high-jinks.

Teenage Boys Younger Versions Of Men, Say Experts

TEENAGE boys are nothing more than younger versions of men, new research suggests. 

Men Incredibly Easy To Predict, Say Experts

MEN'S reactions to anything involving women are astonishingly easy to predict, new research suggests.

A Time Machine Would Have Been Cheaper, Say Experts

BUILDING a time machine to take us back 18 months would have been cheaper than the multi-billion pound bank bail out, it was claimed last night.

Bebo Assumes Aliens Are As Shallow And Self-Absorbed As Humans

BEBO is sending messages from its users 120 trillion miles into space in the expectation aliens will prove as shallow and self-obsessed as they are.

Internet Inventor Misses Point Of Internet

THE inventor of the internet last night dramatically revealed he had completely missed the point of the internet.

Taxi Driver Brains Have Inbuilt Capacity To Bore You Shitless

THE brains of taxi drivers have an inbuilt natural ability to bore the shit out of you, according to new research.