Science & Technology

Nokia Unveils Pointless Thing

MOBILE phone giant Nokia has pledged to make pocket maps obsolete with the launch of a map that fits in your pocket.

Designer Unveils Hypersonic Invisibility Boots

A BRITISH designer has unveiled plans for a pair of hypersonic  boots which will enable the wearer to walk from Europe to Australia in less than 10 seconds while remaining totally invisible.

Apple To Charge $2000 For Shit In A Box

APPLE boss Steve Jobs yesterday unveiled the computer giant's latest eye-catching innovation: one of his shits in a simple white box.

Scientists Unveil World's Fastest Carrot

SCIENTISTS in the US last night claimed they had created a ‘supercarrot’ with a top speed of nearly 770 mph.

Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates

IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.

Google Aims To Capture Market For Inaccurate Crap

GOOGLE is to create its own internet encyclopaedia in a bid to corner the growing market for online bollocks.

Humans 'Not Evolved Enough' To Keep Quiet During A Film

HUMAN evolution is speeding up but most people are still genetically unable to keep their fucking mouths shut while watching a film, scientists said last night.

Churches Condemn Plan For Giant Lesbians

BRITAIN'S most senior clergymen last night condemned plans to use IVF technology to create gigantic lesbians in test tubes.

Brown Vows To End Wii Postcode Lottery

GORDON Brown has taken personal charge of the escalating Nintendo Wii crisis which could force millions of British children to play outdoors with real friends this Christmas.

'We Haven't Got A F*cking Clue' Admit Scientists

SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night. 

China Sets New Light Speed Record

CHINA has asserted its growing technological dominance by setting a new record for the speed of light.

British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.