Science & Technology

You’re not having any more phones, clumsy little bastards told

CHILDREN who keep losing their phones will have to make do with traditional communication methods such as letters, parents have decided.

No one gives a tuppenny f**k what you dreamt about last night

IT may have featured Tom Hardy in arseless chinos and an alien horse invasion but no one wants to hear your dream, it has been confirmed.

No need to wash your hands if it's only a piss, agrees Britain

BRITAIN has agreed that if it is just a piss then washing your hands is not a big deal.

It will never be cold again, agrees Britain

THE UK has agreed that today’s mild sunshine means summer has arrived and it will never be cold again. 

Workplace twats 'could be replaced by robot bellends'

KNOBHEADS in the workplace could soon be replaced with robots who are equally annoying to work with but more efficient at it, experts believe.

Senate asks Zuckerberg, ‘While you’re here, can you set up our printer?’

SENATORS questioning Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg asked if he wouldn’t mind having a look at their printer, while he was there.  

Why I’m deleting Facebook, by someone who has no idea it also owns WhatsApp and Instagram

Facebook is no longer a force for good. And that is why I am deleting my profile while continuing to use WhatsApp and Instagram.

Lib Dems harvested data from MySpace

THE Liberal Democrats harvested data from millions of MySpace accounts, it has emerged.

I invented read receipts, confirms Satan

SATAN has confirmed that he is solely responsible for the invention of instant message read receipts.

Reverse psychology fails to work on broken zip

PRETENDING you are not bothered about a zip being stuck on a jacket fails to fix it, research has confirmed.

Instagram throwing evolution into reverse, say scientists

ANYONE who describes themselves as an 'Instagrammer' is a step back in human evolution, scientists have claimed.

Superhero to use most powerful move 'much earlier' in future adventures

A SUPERHERO has realised that from now on he should probably use his most powerful move a lot earlier.