A-Level students to be ranked by similarity to Brian Glover
A-LEVEL students should be judged on both their grades and their likeness to stout Yorkshire actor Brian Glover, it has been claimed.
Under a new proposal designed to encourage fairness towards the working classes, a leading exam board has suggested that pupils receive a ‘Glover Rating’ determined by factors including baldness, loudness and whether they see pasta as an exotic food to be treated with suspicion.
A spokesman for the General Examination Board said: “Universities are still biased towards students who get good exam results, or ‘poofs’ as we call them.
“Meanwhile those who resemble the stocky Kes actor and former wrestler languish in scary pubs, being intimidating to American tourists.
“The ‘Glover Rating’ or GR would allow poor, fascinatingly ugly students access to exclusive educational establishments, where they could read poetry while their ferrets creep from their trouser pockets and shit all over the refectory.
“It’s all about making the world fairer in an unfair way.”
However, there are fears that students from middle-class backgrounds could exploit the system by shaving their heads and attending private Yorkshire-ness lessons.
Nikki Hollis, 18 from Guildford, said: “My parents are wealthy professionals who pay for my weekly one-to-one sessions with a shouty man who makes me say the word ‘owt’ repeatedly while balancing a sack of coal on my head.
“Apparently in Yorkshire there are whole buildings that are just chimneys. The mind boggles.”