Angry, confused old women to decide everything

EVERYTHING in Britain is to be run past a panel of scrunch-faced harridans.

Shut up and listen to Mrs Gerving you worthless toads

In a bid to cut the costs of organising lengthy voter consultations and employing experts to work in policy think tanks, the coalition is simply going to do whatever the next rancid old ratbag tells them to.

The Cabinet Office’s plans to streamline Freedom of Information application requests will be the first policy to be scrutinised by half a dozen housewives from Carlisle to see if it benefits them Bulgarian gypsies in any way.

If successful, every future white paper will be subjected to the green biro of the panel’s wildly ill-informed comments.

Margaret Gerving, a 78 year-old headache, said: “If those young men think I’m going to stop poking them in the chest and looking disgusted until this country is exactly the way I want it to be then they have obviously not been reading my letters to the Carlisle Scrutiniser.

“I’m a member of every local tenant’s association and neighbourhood watch and I haven’t missed a council meeting in 30 years so I have the right to have my opinion rigorously adhered-to.”

Tory policy advisor Denys Finch Hatton said: “As a confused set of barely-concealed racists with scant grasp of fiscal policy, a general sense that somebody is getting away with something they shouldn’t and a profusion of liver spots, I think our backbenchers may have quite a lot in common with these ladies.

“Perhaps it’s time we changed the party logo from that dreadful green squiggle to a set of pursed, dry lips atop a tartan shopping bag containing own-brand cat food.”

Later this week, Ms Gerving will fly to Berlin to ask German chancellor Angela Merkel who she needs to speak to about the bins.