Busy parents ask schools to beat their children

ALMOST half the parents in Britain are so busy they need schools to beat their children for them.

'And you'll have him in tears by 11? That's great, bye!'

A survey found that 49% want the return of caning just so they can be sure their child will be in pain for at least 10 minutes a day.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “I work in a very busy office and often don’t get home until seven or eight, especially if I’ve been for a drink. By that time my kids are in their bedrooms and I don’t get the chance to hit them with a stick.

“I feel that we are all missing out, as a family.

“It would be really helpful to me if their teachers could find some incredibly thin excuse to beat them as hard they can.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: “Unfortunately there was a scheduling snafu and I wound up with two children that clash with meetings and tennis, so I simply don’t have time to teach them how to be functioning members of society.

“I would gladly pay a tax deductible monthly fee just for the peace of mind that they are being hurt in public by a professional.”

The move has also been backed by parents who are too busy watching television all day.

Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, said: “I’ve got a stick, but they have to be within a three foot radius or I’m wasting my valuable time. The fuckin’ schools should be doing this anyway. It’s a disgrace.”

Meanwhile, with 20% of pupils also supporting the return of corporal punishment, Britain’s S&M industry said it could finally make long-term investment plans.