Class 4b Intrigued By Tory ‘Super-Teachers’

CLASS 4B last night said it cannot wait to meet David Cameron's new breed of unbreakable super-teachers.

'Sir? Does your boyfriend have a cock-ring?'

The Tory leader said his party would be 'unashamedly elitist' in reforming the teaching profession, adding: "Our super-teachers will be closely vetted to ensure they have no chinks whatsoever in their emotional armour.

"They will have stable, uncomplicated homes lives, contemporary but not overtly trendy clothes, no trace whatsoever of body odour or halitosis and, most importantly, their surnames will not rhyme with any term for homosexual however obscure it may be."

But Class 4B at Sir Martin Plank's C of E Child Holding Pen in Bristol, remained unconvinced.

Spokeschild Nathan Muir, said: "In our class there is only one subject – state of the art psychological warfare. This term we've had enormous fun reducing 48 staff teachers and 34 supply goons to a pitiful collection of pant-pissing, disability benefit claimants."

Nathan explained some of 4B's most effective techniques: "In the unlikely event that a teacher has no exploitable weaknesses in the way they look, talk, walk, smell, breathe, sit, stand, comb their hair or hold a pen, we will all just hum at a low frequency until he freaks out and throws a textbook at Wayne Hayes, who will ironically be the only one not doing it, giving him a small head wound or, in school parlance, 'splitting his head open'.

"Alternately we would spring a simple but effective 'gay trap' by asking the super-teacher if he is a bummer tied to a tree.

"After refusing to answer the question the first 3,000 times, the super-teacher will eventually scream, 'NO I AM NOT!', at which point we start shouting 'BUMMER ON THE LOOSE! BUMMER ON THE LOOSE!' until he totally loses it and punches Wayne Hayes – who will, ironically, be the only one not shouting – very hard in the face before running off to attempt suicide in the resources room."

Sir Martin Plank headmaster Stephen Malley said: "I'd like to see how long David Cameron would last if every time he asked Gordon Brown a question, the prime minister came back with 'a gaylord says what?'."

He added: "I do not believe it is possible to educate Class 4B, and if it were down to me I'd stop sending them sacrificial lambs and just lock them in a basement dungeon, opening the trapdoor once a day to shovel in some Wotsits and a live cat."