the dailymash

AS numbers of older women seeking young male flesh spiral, boys are being warned that they are nothing like the ones on the internet.

Please don't leave, I know my diaphragm is in here somewhere

According to figures from the Institute for Studies, 1 in 4 women over 40 describe themselves as 'cougars', and 3.999 in 4 of those cougars are truly horrifying.

Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: "There is a popular misconception of cougars as wealthy gym-honed vixens looking for some consequence-free action in their big tasteful houses while their husbands are at trade conferences.

"Our research shows that in reality most cougars are a terrifying hybrid of their male counterpart, the sleazy dad, and Cathy Bates in Misery, with poorly-applied lipstick, varicose veins and mouths that taste of Bensons and broken dreams."

He added: "Sorry to burst the bubble on this one, but that's how it is."

According to the Institute most cougars live in messy flats with broken toilet seats and neglected window boxes, which they share with their cat and a tremendous amount of emotional baggage.

Former cougar fan Nathan Muir, 17, said: "I had a brief liaison with a self-styled cougar following a drunken night at the sort of club frequented almost exclusively by 'liberal' older women and off-duty taxi drivers.

"I vaguely remember her pissing herself in the taxi, repeatedly stabbing a loaf of bread with scissors and playing Shania Twain very loudly at 3am, screaming that the neighbours could fuck themselves. I made my excuses, and she wept."

He added: "I've now mostly blocked it out of my mind, like an alien abduction."