Dreary Women Given Something New To Talk About
DREARY women across Britain finally have something new to talk about for the next six to nine months.
As Clarence House confirmed the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, women with turgid, empty, pitiful lives set up Facebook pages dedicated to a dress that does not yet exist.
Jane Thompson and her friend Alice Maynard said in perfect unison: “Oh my God I’m so happy for them she’s going to look so beautiful they are the most perfect couple you have ever ever seen the wedding is going to be the high point of my life I’m sleeping on a pavement.”
Thompson added: “Oh look, I think I’ve pissed myself.”
The wedding ceremony will be held at either Westminster Abbey or St Paul’s Cathedral, followed by a reception filled with people who regard the likes of you as barely the same species.
Prime minister David Cameron led the congratulations saying: “This is a great day for our country. Shut up, yes it is.
“Once again Britain will lead the world as we make the most enormous fuss imaginable over two incredibly wealthy young people who have been handed everything on a plate.”
But angry socialists condemned the wedding insisting it was ‘bread and circuses’ for a population already seething with anger over the government’s budget cuts and the cynical hairstyles of X Factor‘s Katie Waissel.
Martin Bishop, the left-wing Labour MP for Gateshead Toilet, started to say something about an establishment con-trick and starving Africans before everyone wandered off or began talking over him.
Julian Cook, professor of Kate Middleton at Reading University, added: “I’m all for classical allusions, but the smart-arse ‘bread and circuses’ remark doesn’t really work in a world full of fat people and satellite television.”
But thousands of ordinary subjects across the country defied socialism, wished the couple well and said they were looking forward to Miss Middleton becoming the Princess of Wales and then devouring her like a suckling pig.
Helen Archer, a woman with a Princess Margaret teapot and a thousand yard stare from York, said: “She will become me and I will become her. Unless she gets too uppity or hangs about with poofters.”
Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I will take possession of her thoughts, they will become my currency and the Daily Mail will be my cash machine.”
Meanwhile a spokesman for the Defence Manufacturers Association added: “Our best wishes to William and Kate and wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear a Princess of Wales say something nice about landmines for a change?”