Embattled nation unites against Christmas

BRITAIN is putting aside its woes and working together in a bid to stop Christmas.

Stevenage town centre is currently an excellent place to roast chestnuts

Across the country people have united as Heston Blumenthal unveiled his ‘must-have’ robot-and-oak flavoured pudding, Peter Kaye’s cat published a ghost-written comedy memoir and tinsel spread through provincial towns like a poisonous lichen.

Wildly premature shopping centre Santa grottoes have been pulverised and decorations ripped down in spontaneous, joyous explosions of collective anti-festive feeling.

Meanwhile Christmas-themed posters and billboards have been daubed with the slogan ‘it’s the middle of October, you fuckers’.

Tom Logan, a teacher from St Albans, said: “It’s wonderful that so many people have stopped thinking about themselves for once and are doing something to help the community, like kicking the head off the snowman in the window of Debenhams.

“I’ve seen crowds cheering and hugging as they pelted a self-styled ‘Christmas shop’ with bricks. It’s restored my faith in humanity.”

He added: “It’s not so good for the kids, who think Christmas is ace. But then most things are ace if you’re a kid, so their feelings are unimportant.”

Administrator Nikki Hollis said: “I’d always been quite a selfish person, caught up in my own world and not really thinking about others.

“But the wonderfully destructive people I’ve met here are really determined to prevent the shittest time of the year so that others won’t have to fill their living rooms with random cousins who make racist comments during Zulu.

“It’s inspired me and helped me understand the true meaning of Christmas, which is to stop it from ever happening again.”