Everything you need to be a bellend at university

IT’S traditional to be a bellend during your time at university, so what will you need? Forget the family-sized bag of pasta and cheese grater, here are the real essentials to take with you.

Lame ‘hard’ anecdotes

Freshers often compete to have the most pre-uni ‘street cred’, so be ready to mention any drug experiences or ultra-minor run-ins with the police. Don’t try too hard – being put in detention will make you look like NWA.

Weird clothes

If you’re going down this road you can try anything from the classic ‘unconvincing vampire’ Goth look to a random jumble of ‘alternative’ clothes such as corduroy dungarees and a Rasta hat. This will definitely never come back to haunt you in the age of camera phones and Facebook.

Conversations about A-levels

If there’s one thing you’ll talk about a lot at uni, it’s A-levels. Have lots of scintillating A-level chat ready, such as: what A-levels you did; what grades you got; the person who wet themselves during the English Lit exam. (Neglect to mention that was you.)

Dance moves

Learn these approved student dance steps:

● A single moderately competent move, eg. the running man, but which you repeat endlessly all night as if mentally unwell.

● Robotically moving your arms up and down and occasionally jerking left and right like the Duracell Bunny. Pretty cool move if you hang out with science students.

● Just jumping about frantically. It’s punk. Or something.

The ability to bullshit

Crucial in every sphere of university life. Have you done the pre-reading? Yes. Do you like listening to a stranger drone on about his arse-end-of-nowhere hometown? Sure! Are you only at this tedious SU meeting because you haven’t made any friends? No way!

Selective amnesia

You’re definitely going to make a total tit of yourself many, many times, whether it’s shitting yourself during an alcohol blackout or mispronouncing ‘hyperbole’ in a seminar.

Practise blotting out unwanted memories. This will also come in useful whenever you remember how much getting a degree from a university nobody has heard of is costing you.