Government decides more unhappy people will help

NADINE Dorries has won her battle to fill the country with absolutely miserable people who did not want children.

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After realising the nation’s wombs were being used wrongly, Dorries wants abortions to be available only to women who can complete a series of physical and mental challenges, equivalent to competing simultaneously in Mastermind and Total Wipeout.

Dorries said: “If the country is going to be too full, as we’ve always steadfastly maintained it is, surely it’s better that it’s full of sobbing British parents sat at home staring at their unwanted kids with a look of infinite desperation and regret?”

Under new guidelines, pre-abortion counselling will be carried out by pinch-faced Christian harridans who have been trained by watching videos of Mrs Doyle in Father Ted, but will replace the phrase ‘cup of tea’ with ‘a baby’.

When pressed as to how guilt-inducing psychological pressure and unscientific scaremongering would stop 60,000 abortions taking place, Dorries insisted: “That sort of question is typical of a culture that thinks it’s acceptable to mix facts with morality.”

She added: “It is now time for me to fulfill my destiny as gatekeeper at the uterus of every woman in Britain, shooing away gynaecologists like a vagina-based Cerberus in lipstick and fuck-me shoes.

“And of course, 60,000 unwanted British babies means less room for immigrants, so everyone’s a solid gold winner.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, added: “The government of the world’s fifth biggest economy and permanent member of the United Nations security council is listening to Nadine Dorries now.

“Sleep tight.”