Karen Matthews Breeding ‘Unforeseeable’, Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

Gallons of the stuff

Kirklees social services have been cleared of any wrongdoing in the Shannon Matthews case after the investigation laid the blame at several men who mistook the fraudulent kidnapper for a woman.

Review board member Nikki Hollis said: “Shannon’s very existence proves that there is at least 10 times more Kestrel lager in the world than previously thought.

“For most men, seeing Karen Matthews moving in next door would be their cue to ring Foxtons and start packing up their belongings immediately.

“What could not be foreseen is someone getting a sweaty dough-on at the thought of rolling around on her ash-strewn mattress.

“Sorry, I’ve just thrown up in my mouth.”

The review has recommended that social workers be trained in the threshold level of attractiveness of unemployed women before their male counterparts would prefer to simply oil up a sofa cushion instead.

Newly-qualified workers would be shown a series of photos and asked to assess how many cans of Kestrel Super would be needed before one of their clients would put down their Xbox controller and perform the traditional act of underclass foreplay by sliding off their tracksuit bottoms.

Hollis added: “It’s a sliding scale, with Leanne Battersby at the top, and Lizzie Bardsley at the bottom. We were going to throw Cerys Matthews in there as well, but we don’t want to scare people away.”