Labour MPs Send Children To Working Class Private School
A SPECIAL working class-themed private school has been established for the children of Labour MPs worried about social inequality.
St Katona's will be the first fee-paying school with downwardly-mobile aspirations, where pupils are encouraged to watch ITV and eat deep-fried chicken with baked beans that come in a plastic pot.
Headmaster, Wayne Hayes, said: "We have been established to service Labour MPs and Guardian columnists, who want their offspring to grow up as idealised working-class caricatures but are too scared to send them to state schools, where they would be beaten to a pulp by the burly, shovel-wielding children of unemployed foundry workers."
St Katona's varied syllabus of working class pursuits includes Ferret Appreciation, Speedway and Minor Benefit Fraud.
Teachers are referred to as 'mate' or 'geezer', while girls are required to have at least one abortion by the age of 14.
Labour backbencher Carolyn Ryan said: "St Katona's fills a vital gap in the market for people like me, who are strongly – well, fairly strongly – committed to leftist, socially egalitarian ideals while simultaneously aware that state-educated children have a tendency to stealing and illiteracy.
"Without it I would've had to pretend my eldest had some bullshit syndrome involving prime numbers and the letter 'h' as an excuse for sending him to Rugby, instead of the local comprehensive that looks like a nuclear bunker and smells like stale pies."
She added: "As it is, I'm very pleased with his progress at St Katona's. After just one term he's talking like Brian Glover in the film version of Kes, which is a joy at dinner parties."