Man dressed head-to-toe in Union Jacks looking forward to having his opinion taken seriously

A MAN who dresses head to toe in Union Jacks is looking forward to being treated as if he were normal this weekend.

Retired engineer Norman Steele simply cannot wait to be interviewed for global television, where he will give the impression that all Britons are fanatical about the royal family.

Steele said: “I’ve ironed my best Union Jack suit and I’ve got lots of little Union Jack flags and they’ll be getting a good waving, you can be sure of that.

“But what I’m looking forward to most is for journalists from round the world taking my photograph and treating me like I’m in any way representative of anyone else in this country’s feelings towards the royal wedding.

“They’ll be seeing me in newspapers all the way to Timbuktu with a caption underneath that reads ‘Britons Overjoyed’.

He added: “Did I mention I had a workplace injury a few years back?”

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16-year-old pretty sure these aren't the real GCSEs

A 16-YEAR-OLD taking his GCSEs is confident that these are just mocks or a practice or something like that.

Wayne Hayes, who was surprised to arrive at school yesterday and discover he had a three-hour biology exam, believes this will be good training for the real thing, whenever it is.

He said: “Yeah, it was properly like an actual exam. All silent and no textbooks. I took it as seriously as I reasonably could.

“Teachers are hardcore into it though. I asked Mrs Heydecker and she was like ‘These are the actual GCSEs, Wayne.’ I was like okay method actor, don’t break character on my account.

“Though I’m not sure it isn’t counterproductive because I’m in school so much I haven’t got time to even revise, what with my online gaming schedule. They should’ve thought of that.”

Hayes is expected to realise his mistake halfway through next week’s Physics GCSE, when he will loudly say ‘oh SHIT’ before frantically calling for more paper.

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