Thanks for bringing me breakfast in bed, now f**k off, says mum

A MUM whose family brought her breakfast in bed for Mother's Day would quite like them all to fuck off and leave her to eat it in peace.

Odd f**ker takes three-seater sofa to himself in packed cafe

AN odd-looking fucker has commandeered an entire four-seater table for himself in an absolutely rammed café.

Woman caught singing at traffic lights now has to see song through

A WOMAN spotted singing heartily along to music in her car now has no option but to complete the song, she has confirmed.

The mums' guide to fighting at the school gates

HAVING a fight while doing the school run is an increasingly popular pastime with mums looking to establish dominance and keep healthy.

Nanny ‘like one of the family’ except she’s paid to be there and can’t tell anyone to f**k off

A MIDDLE class family who adore their nanny have not noticed they are paying her and that she is the only ‘family member’ who never loses their shit.

How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat

IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.

Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds

A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.

Genealogy research reveals family have been boring bastards since 14th century

A MAN has researched his family tree for the last seven centuries but is still not related to a single aristocrat, highwayman or war hero.

Racists upset by nasty tolerant people

EVERYONE is being really nasty to racists at the moment and should be more bigoted, racists believe.

Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child

A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing.

Facebook nutter includes workplace in his profile

A FACEBOOK lunatic is happy for everyone to know where he works, it has emerged.  

Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car

A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off.