Everyone wondering when they can go back to not knowing what the 'DUP' is

EVERY single person in Britain is wondering when they can go back to not knowing or caring who or what the DUP is, research has confirmed.

Mum leaves country after children announce they're 'putting on a show'

A MUM whose children were about to perform a 'show' in the living room has run off to Spain for the rest of the week.

Bank statement handled like unexploded bomb

A MAN is approaching his bank statement as if he were attempting to deactivate a bomb.  

Telling that kid to shut the f**k up will pay dividends, everyone secretly thinking

A CHILD in a supermarket would be happier and more successful in later life if they were told to shut the fuck up and behave, shoppers believe.

Man sick to death of people disagreeing with him

A MAN has announced that, from now on, people who disagree with him should have the decency to keep it to themselves.

What's your bullshit middle-class parenting style?

ARE you convinced you’ve got a brilliant parenting style, when really it’s just some bollocks you read in a Sunday supplement? Read our guide and find out.

Remainer with no chance of working abroad won't f**king shut up about working abroad

A REMAINER is convinced Brexit will stop him having an amazing life in a different country even though he is extremely talentless.

Five entertaining ways to trigger a gammon

ANGRY red-faced men are always criticising ‘snowflakes’ but are surprisingly easily triggered themselves. Why not set them off with these made-up ‘facts’?

Cafe owner going to kill laptop-using twat

A COFFEE shop owner is about to murder the Mac user who has bought one cup of tea in three hours, it has emerged.

Millennials 'too self-righteous to have sex'

MILLENNIALS are too busy penning scathing comment pieces about how angry they are at baby boomers to have sex, a new study has found.

Brexiters told to try walking away with 'no deal' in everyday life and see how that works for them

BREXITERS keen on leaving the EU with no deal have been told to try walking away without a deal in their personal transactions and then report back. 

Amnesty International secures release of Coco, the Coco Pops monkey

COCO the Coco Pops monkey has been freed, emaciated and blinking at the light, by campaigners from Amnesty International.