When Britain claps it is excluding foreign NHS workers earning less than £25k pa, says Priti Patel

THE home secretary has confirmed that when the country comes together to clap for carers, they are tacitly excluding any foreign nationals below the £25,000 threshold.

Parents briefing kids on what to say they've been taught at home

HOMESCHOOLED children are memorising a list of educational activities to  claim they completed when their teachers ask.

If your children don't get a total of seven days school before summer they will be thick forever, government confirms

THE government has warned that if children do not get seven days education over the next two months they will always be thickos.

Everyone meets in park to bitch about the twats they live with

ENGLAND has been making the most of the freedom to meet a lone friend in a park to mouth the hell off about their f**khead partners.

Why 2016 wasn't that bad if you think about it

WE all thought 2016 was terrible at the time, but the year of celebrity deaths, Brexit and Trump was a walk in the park compared to 2020. Here’s why.

Woman to applaud her cleaner from safety of top of stairs

A WOMAN is planning to stand and applaud her cleaner from a very safe distance at the top of the stairs.

Nation trying to work out whether clapping the NHS makes them a wanker or not

BRITONS are wondering if applauding the NHS is a genuinely good thing or if they are just pathetically following the herd.

Frontline workers overjoyed as golf resumes

ESSENTIAL workers have expressed happiness and relief that golf courses are open again.

Britain now a nation of snitches

THE UK’s favourite leisure activity is now snitching on other Britons for violating the laws of lockdown in some way.

Nation still doing congas told to rely on its common sense

A COUNTRY forming celebratory conga lines as recently as this weekend has been told to use its innate common sense to figure out lockdown restrictions.

Captain Tom launches new fundraising appeal to do the Inca Trail

CAPTAIN Tom Moore has asked Britain to sponsor him on his latest charity drive to walk the Inca Trail in Peru.

School is one hour on app then five hours in garden, confirm kids

SCHOOL has been redefined for a generation as one hour plugged into an app followed by five hours in the garden, kids have confirmed.