How to f**k up your kids by teaching them to expect nothing for free

DO you think children should work for their pocket money and do endless part-time jobs for pennies? Here’s how to make them 'independent', or maybe 'psychologically scarred'.

How to feed a family on 80p a week, by social media dickheads

Struggling to make bountiful meals for your kids on a budget of pennies? It’s not that hard, you lazy free school meals scrounger. Here’s how a dickhead on social media whips up feasts for next to nothing.

Man permanently angry about things that haven’t happened

A SUBURBAN man spends a large amount of time fuming about things he does not agree with which have not actually happened.

Fun things to do in half term when you can't do anything fun

HURRAH - it’s half term! Here’s what to do when you’re not allowed to do anything you actually had planned.

Whole generation missing out on chance to go on gap year and become pricks

A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience.

Six things people in their mid-40s can't believe happened ages ago

ARE you in your mid-40s but still a funky 20-something in your head? Here are some things that will plunge you into an existential panic when you realise how long ago they happened.

Schools obliged to teach merits of Sheriff of Nottingham as well as Robin Hood

SCHOOLS have been told they must not show any left-wing bias when telling the story of Robin Hood.

The five idiotic objections to gay marriage bigots always come out with

THE Pope has endorsed same-sex civil partnerships, but bigots will still think of weird reasons to oppose gay marriage. Here are some of them.

Middle-class child banned from watching TV still thick

A CHILD raised on a carefully-curated diet of educational books, Radio 4 and hand-painted wooden toys is still an idiot, his parents have admitted.

Six shite 80s toys that would sicken today's kids

AS retailers unveil their Christmas toy ranges, parents can’t help but seethe with resentment as they remember crap toys like these.

Five signs you're trying too hard to be 'woke'

AWARENESS of social injustice is a good thing, but are you trying to prove you’re more 'woke' than everyone else? You could be overdoing it.

Grandfather's dearest wish is to pass down his ignorance to his grandchildren

A GRANDAD hopes that with his help and guidance, his grandkids can end up as stupid and ill-informed as he is.