Do you want everything to go back to the 1950s, or why the f**k not?

POSH accents on the television, policemen greeting you by name and a cheery tip of the helmet, lovely days out in the Morris Traveller. But do you want Britain to return to its 1950s glory days, or are you some kind of bastard?

If anyone else acted like that I'd just call them a dick, admits mother of small child

A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.

Teddy bears have left children unprepared for actual bears, say experts

CUDDLY toy bears are giving children dangerous misapprehensions about how to approach actual bears, experts believe.

'For Christ's sake, stop talking like that' say babies

BRITAIN'S babies have pleaded with the rest of the population to stop talking like that.

Middle class man thinks he's an expert on street crime

A MIDDLE class man is weirdly knowledgeable about contemporary gang life, people have noticed.

Has your friend been to Australia and turned into a racist?

FOR some mysterious reason, friends who go to Australia often come back a bit racist. Here’s how to help them get back to normal.

Neighbours delighted man's friend beeped car horn 15 times as he left last night

A MAN'S neighbours are glad his friend was able to beep his car horn numerous times last night as way of saying goodbye.

Teenager is first in his family to go to university with two Es

A TEENAGER has won a place at a third-rate university with lower grades than any previous member of his family.

Parents confirm they have great respect for 'parenting experts' and don't want them to shut the f**k up

PARENTS who are told by experts how to take care of their children have expressed their gratitude and absolutely do want everyone to shut it.

'Nutjob' neighbours with Brexit stockpile now seem wise and useful

A COUPLE stockpiling food and medicine for post-Brexit Britain are looking less like paranoid nutjobs and more like useful people to be friends with.

Private school pupils 'under huge pressure to have opinions about venison'

ONLY seven percent of state school pupils get into heated arguments about game meats compared to 75 percent of their private school counterparts.

New teacher unsure if she even wants to inspire the little bastards now

A TEACHER at a comprehensive is starting to doubt whether she even wants to put her dickhead pupils on a path to a brighter future.