Society

Having children in late thirties linked to enjoying more of your thirties

WOMEN who delay motherhood until their late thirties face an increased risk of having more years of freedom and fun, according to researchers.

Sadomasochistic train company asks 'how did we do?'

A HELLISH, self-loathing train company has emailed its passengers asking to be told just how shit they are.

Idiot claims he can't spot 'fake news' that's obviously fake

A MAN keeps getting taken in by ‘fake news’ that is obviously dodgy to anyone with a semi-functioning brain.

Neo-Nazi starting to think career opportunities may be a bit limited

A FASCIST is beginning to suspect there are no opportunities for promotion or earning a decent salary in Britain’s neo-Nazi movement.

Man either outraged there aren't dog poppies or outraged no dogs are wearing them

A BRITISH patriot is offended there are not poppies for dogs or offended that no dogs are wearing them, whichever should turn out to be the case.

Learner driver can't wait to ditch this 'ten-to-two' bullshit

A LEARNER driver cannot wait to ditch the bullshit ten-to-two hand position.

Teething is a form of demonic possession, confirm experts

BABIES who are ‘teething’ are actually possessed by evil demons sent from hell, experts have confirmed.

Make drivers pay for fuel in advance and then get a f**king move on, says Britain

DRIVERS should pay for their fuel at the pump, fill up their cars and then get the hell out of there instead of pissing about for fucking ages, Britain has confirmed.

Father suspects his three-year-old is a hipster

A FATHER believes that his three-year-old son, who watches Japanese cartoons on Netflix and prefers sesame snacks to a Freddo, is a hipster.

Fervent belief in nationalisation badly shaken by trip to municipal swimming pool

A MAN’S belief that the railways should be re-nationalised has been rocked by the inefficiency, rudeness and indifference at his local pool.

What to say about someone's new baby if you don't give a shit

TELLING someone their beloved newborn looks like a wrinkled ball sack or Iain Duncan Smith tends not to go down too well. Here are some things to say instead.

Attractive woman's moronic opinions really interesting, agree men

A PRETTY woman whose opinions would normally be considered trite or stupid is actually a very deep thinker, male acquaintances agree.