BMW owner believes he is only person in the world who doesn't drive like a w*nker

A MAN is completely certain that everyone apart from him drives like a total w*nker, it has emerged.

Man who says 'I'm not being funny' never funny

A MAN who says “I’m not being funny” is never about to say something funny and is just going to be an unpleasant dick about something.

How to cope in a heatwave when you live somewhere it drizzles 10 months of the year

BRITAIN should be grey and wet to the touch, but sometimes, against all logic, it isn’t. Here’s how to cope with the wrong weather:

Man tries solving all his problems with optimism

A MAN inspired by Boris Johnson is to try to solve every problem he faces today with nothing more than sheer optimism.

How to enjoy the last 24 hours before you live in a country where Boris Johnson is leader

TOMORROW, and perhaps for years to come, you will be the resident of a country led by a truffle-snuffling entitled toddler. Here’s how to spend the final day without him.

Question Time audience 'main reason country is so f*cked'

THE audience for Question Time is the main reason Britain is so f*cked right now, research has confirmed.

Yorkshireman more than happy for you to correct his English

A YORKSHIREMAN has confirmed he has no problem with anyone translating his sentences into Southerner-approved English.

Dog decides which owner he'd eat if he really had to

A COUPLE’S pet dog is lying at their feet and deciding which of them he would kill and eat if he had absolutely no option.

Five incredibly stupid opinions that will get you a standing ovation in the pub

DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.

Teenager fails to include word 'legit' in text message

A TEENAGER has committed a terrible faux pas by forgetting to include the word ‘legit’ in a text message. 

The Northerner's guide to proving your Northernness

BEING Northern isn’t a geographical thing - it’s a state of mind. Whether you live in Sheffield, Shelby or Skipton, here’s how not to be a soft Southern ponce.

Drivers over 70 only allowed to drive at night

DRIVERS who have had their licences for 50 years or more are only to be allowed to drive between the hours of 11pm and 6am.