How to get away with being an absolute bellend by saying you 'misspoke'

HAVE you just told a massive lie or said something horribly offensive? Just say you misspoke and all will be forgiven. Here's how to do it.

The armchair warrior's guide to fighting crime

COULD angry suburban men on the internet hold the key to tackling crime? Here retired accountant Norman Steele outlines his no-nonsense measures.

Five much too personal things to do on crowded trains

HAVE you somehow got the impression that busy trains are your bathroom or GP’s surgery? Here are some overly personal things you really should stop doing.

Bristol and Brighton 'the same place'

THE cities of Bristol and Brighton have been discovered to be a single place.

How to tell someone they're wearing too much f***ing aftershave

ARE YOU in the vicinity of someone doused in so much scent that they leave a trail of aggressive migraines? Here’s how to break the news.

Parents scared of Momo ignoring kids scared of climate change

PARENTS are reassuring their children that Momo is not real while ignoring their children’s actual fears of climate change.

Are you in hell or at a kid's birthday party?

CAN you hear Baby Shark? Is a five-year-old hitting you with a balloon for no reason, while his oblivious father makes bets on his phone?

Feminist going a bit too far for male friends' liking

A WOMAN’S liberal-minded male friends feel a bit uncomfortable about some of her feminist views that might apply to them, it has emerged.

Indicating when turning now on an 'if you feel like it' basis

USING your indicators to alert other drivers that you are about to turn off the road is no longer mandatory, the government has announced.

'Communism now!' screams 13-year-old from Henley-on-Thames

A 13-YEAR-OLD from a posh Home Counties town is demanding full communism for the United Kingdom.

Dad explaining 'facts of life' drowning in sports metaphors

A FATHER trying to explain the ‘facts of life’ to his son is hoplessly confusing him with metaphors about ‘getting one in the back of the net’ and ‘slam dunks’.

Play Facebook Smugness Bingo!

ARE you putting enough insufferable posts about your perfect life on Facebook? Eyes down for a game of Facebook smugness bingo!