Five made-up crises to be angry about now immigration is over

BRITAIN’S fictional immigration crisis is at an end thanks to Brexit, so what will Middle Englanders raise their blood pressure about now?

Woman gains superpower of invisibility by going out without make-up

A WOMAN has gained the incredible superpower of invisibility by going out with her hair scraped back and without any make-up.

Which font should you use for a racist letter to your neighbours?

WRITING a racist note for your neighbours’ door? Without the right font, nobody will take your unjustifiable prejudices and unlikely threats seriously.

New mum jealous of her partner's commute

THE mother of a two-month-old baby has admitted she is jealous of her partner’s two-and-a-half hour daily commute.

Villagers buy local pub then knock it down for a Tesco Metro

A RURAL village has formed a co-operative to purchase their local pub then demolish it and open something useful.

How to pretend you're a good listener while thinking about something else

DO YOU want people to think you’re understanding and sensitive even though you tuned out during the first sentence?

Teenager wears hammer and sickle badge to let everyone know he's an idiot

AN 18-YEAR-OLD student wears a hammer and sickle badge on his backpack to make sure everyone knows he is a complete idiot.

Man still thinks 'woke' is an insult

A MAN is still calling socially alert things ‘woke’ as if it’s an insult, it has emerged.

Genius boyfriend lays groundwork for forgetting Valentine's Day

A BOYFRIEND is preparing his partner for disappointment this Valentine’s Day, it has been confirmed.

Nation united in telling January to f*ck right off 

BRITAIN has agreed that January can f*ck right off.

£3.80 pint of beer deemed adequate payment for helping mate move house

A SINGLE pint of lager has been deemed full compensation for eight hours of hard manual labour helping a friend move.

How to get through your child's sports match

IT’S FREEZING cold and it’s raining but you’ve still got to sit through your kid’s five-a-side game followed by two hours of touch-rugby. Here’s how to endure it.