Brexit 50p coins 'can be sharpened and thrown at the rats trying to steal your last potato'

THE new Brexit 50p coin will be a vital weapon against the vermin trying to steal your meagre scraps, it has emerged.

Terrifying local pub does karaoke from 9am

A SCARY pub does karaoke every day from nine in the morning and all the locals seem to love it, it has emerged.

Parents who ban 'screen time' unaware they are raising a twat

PARENTS who have banned their child from 'screen time' do not realise that they are raising a twat.

Your guide to idiotic poppy day controversies

WEARING a poppy isn’t just about showing your respect, it’s also a chance for idiots to enjoy feeling furious. Here are some ‘controversies’ to get het up about.

Coward already has heating on

A WEAKLING has turned his heating on before it has even hit November, it has emerged.

Six ways of showing you're still working class when you're middle class

HAVE you risen to become part of the middle classes from earthy origins? Do you need to remind people of that at every opportunity? Here’s how.

Watching porn on public transport only okay if it's a rail replacement bus

TRANSPORT chiefs have confirmed that watching pornography on the bus is unacceptable unless it is a rail replacement bus.

Woman concerned after noticing 'real ale forums' in husband's search history

A WOMAN has expressed deep concern after noticing a long list of real ale forums in her husbands internet search history.

Man finds human-sized shoe at TK Maxx

A MAN has stumbled across a shoe suitable for a regular human being at TK Maxx.

Man who didn't put happy moment on Instagram surprised he still enjoyed it

FAILING to post a photo of every single vaguely pleasant moment of your life does not mean you are not having a good time, it has emerged.

Middle-class man blessed with ability to communicate with tradesmen

A WELL-TO-DO man has amazed friends by being able to communicate with his builders as easily as if they were from his own social class.

Record-breaking dog turd ruins day of 18 people

A SINGLE dog turd has outmatched all predecessors by ruining the days of 18 different people.