'You can be anything you want' says lying bastard dad

A FATHER has been feeding his child utter bollocks about being able to have any job they want when they grow up.

Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?

ARE you worried you’re not being goaded enough by the media over ISIS bride Shamima Begum? Read our checklist and see if you could be angrier.

Brexiter 'taking back control' has 800 Pot Noodles

A SUPPORTER of Brexit has been forced to stockpile a large number of Pot Noodles ‘just in case’, he has admitted.

Hazard lights used sarcastically

A MOTORIST hopes the driver behind, who did not intend to allow her into traffic but had no choice, realises she was flashing her hazards sarcastically.

Friendship effectively ended with the words 'Let's just pay for what we had'

A FRIENDSHIP has come to a close with the words 'Let’s just pay for what we had', it has been confirmed.  

Colleagues heading to pub after work for just one quick bitch about office bastards

TWO colleagues are going to the pub after work for just one quick bitch about the bastards in their office.

Man who is great with kids would make terrible father

A MAN who everyone says is ‘good with children’ would be a horribly incompetent father, it has emerged.

The white person’s guide to pretending you're a victim of racism

ARE you a right-wing bellend who thinks racism against white people is a genuine problem? Here’s how to enjoy a pleasing sense of victimhood.

Tall man thinks it's an achievement

A TALL man behaves as if his above-average height is some sort of achievement, people have noticed.

Optimist buying Asda Valentine's meal deal and condoms

A MAN buying a Valentines-themed meal deal in Asda is unlikely to get to use the condoms he’s also purchasing.

Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip

A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.

Woman finds cystitis is welcome distraction from Brexit

A WOMAN is finding her latest bout of cystitis is a welcome distraction from Brexit.